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K-Acme TV/Transcript

Act One

(After the title card is shown, the window shade for K-Acme TV (complete with Buster dressed like an indian) is shown and rolls up, revealing Buster and Babs operating the TV station. Images of Elmyra are shown on all of the screens)

Announcer: "K-Acme TV begins its broadcasting day."

Buster: "Hiya, toonsters. If you're like us, you look at the junk that's on TV and say, 'I could come up with better ideas than that!'"

Babs: "In fact, you're probably saying it right now!"

Buster: "Quiet!"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Buster and Babs)

Buster: "That's why we've taken over K-Acme TV, to provide you, the sensitive, intelligent, viewing public, with the quality entertainment you want to see."

(Buster and Babs duck, pull out pies, and hit each other in the faces with them. They wipe the pies off and return to their chairs)

Babs: "So settle back and enjoy your favorite programs, Tiny Toons style!"

(Buster leans back and his chair collapses. The prologue fades to black)

Tinkerbunny's Wonderful World of Make-Believe and Learning Fun

(The sketch begins with a view of anthropomorphic buildings. The text, Tinkerbunny's Wonderful World of Make-Believe and Learning Fun appears onscreen. After the text fades away, the buildings move and Babs (dressed as Tinkerbunny) is carried across the screen on a wire. The camera focuses on her the entire time)

Babs (singing): "Oh, it's a beautiful day to pretend, a tremendous day to make a friend, a nifty day to be college prepared," (She uses her magic wand, and a book that says: "E=MC²" appears in her hand, which she tosses) "To learn that E equals MC Squared!"

(As the book falls, the camera cuts to a view of an anthropomorphic house. The book lands on the house, and the house uses his chimney like a fist, as he is angry at Babs. The camera cuts back to Babs)

Babs (singing): "It's a confusing day to be a child," (She uses her magic wand, and she is now dressed in a red and yellow beanie, a green shirt, and blue overalls) "Should you study or go hog-wild?" (She uses her magic wand, which first dresses her in a blue graduation gown and a white graduation cap, then turns her into a Hamton J. Pig look-alike with red overalls) "Though only a toddler you may be," (She uses her magic wand, which dresses her in a teal bonnet and blouse, then dresses her back to her Tinkerbunny costume) "It's time to study for the S.A.T.!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Tinkerbunny's playhouse, then focuses on Babs as she is lowered into the playhouse. In the next scene, she is lowered in through the window, then is pulled back by the wire. The camera zooms out as she climbs back in through the window, then focuses on her as she gets up next to a pair of wooden shutters)

Babs (in an annoyed tone): "Good morning, children. I'm Tinkerbunny!" (She stops, blinks, then opens the shutters, revealing grey clouds behind it) "And isn't it a beautiful day outside?"

(A grey cloud squirts acid rain all over Babs' dress, damaging it.)

Babs: "Oh. Well, acid rain is nice!"

(The cloud zaps Babs with a bolt of lightning and thunder booms. Babs screams in terror, and jumps up. The camera cuts to her holding onto one of the blades of a ceiling fan)

Babs: "Thunder is nothing to be frightened of."

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of the playhouse)

Babs: "Isn't that right, Dr. Genius?"

(The camera cuts to a booth with a sign above it that says, Dr. Genius Lab O' Fun. Plucky appears in the booth, dressed in his normal attire)

Plucky: "Huh? Oops!"

(The camera zooms in on the booth. Plucky ducks, then comes back dressed like Albert Einstein)

Plucky: "Ach, yeah."

(The camera cuts back to Babs as she is lowered down)

Babs: "Let's learn about thunder, want to?"

(The camera cuts back to Dr. Genius' Lab O' Fun as Babs is lowered next to it.)

Plucky: "Okey-dokey!"

(Plucky pulls down a sheet, revealing a cloud growing on it. While he is talking to the viewers, Babs tries to unhook herself from the wire)

Plucky: "Clouds form ven air containing water vapor is cooled below a critical temperature called the 'dew point'."

(Babs pulls the wire, breaking it and sending the stagehand onto the set. The stagehand, dazed, walks away, as Babs stands up)

Babs: "Ooh, can you say 'dew'? Sure, you can!"

Plucky: "Cumulonimbus-is-is-is clouds indicate rain showers."

(The cloud on the sheet moves off it, then grows and rains on Babs, who shivers. The camera cuts to a close-up of Plucky)

Plucky: "The turbulence weethin clouds can cause a build-up of atmospheric electricity,"

(The camera cuts to a view of Plucky and a very soaked Babs. A grey cloud is now on the sheet)

Plucky: "Und create lightning!"

(The cloud zaps Babs with a bolt of lightning. She screams in terror as the sketch ends)

Plucky's Unlucky Worms Commercial

(The sketch begins with a view of Plucky, dressed like Lucky the Leprechaun, skipping across the road, holding cereal. The camera moves upwards to reveal Sweetie and Concord Condor in a tree branch)

Sweetie: "Catch Plucky!"

(The camera cuts back to Plucky, who jumps in shock as he looks upwards at Sweetie and Concord. He runs away, and Sweetie and Concord fly after him. The camera cuts to him running down the road)

Plucky: "Always after me unlucky worms." (Plucky holds the cereal box to the viewers) "The sugary cereal with slimy surprises." (A thought balloon appears, covering most of the screen, showing the insects Plucky describes to the viewers) "Green worms, yellow grubs, purple slugs, and pink maggots." (The thought balloon shrinks and appears above Plucky, showing a tray of breakfast food, including the aforementioned cereal in a bowl) "Part of this balanced breakfast."

(Plucky jumps, hitting his head on the tray, which falls over, spilling the food onto his head. He turns his head around, and the camera cuts to a view of Sweetie and Concord holding knives and forks, then back to Plucky as Sweetie and Concord beat him up. The camera then cuts to a close-up of the cereal in a bowl, then zooms out, revealing it to be on a picnic table that Concord and Sweetie are sitting at as they eat the cereal).

Sweetie: "Birdies love it!"

(Sweetie giggles, then Plucky pokes his head out of the cereal bowl)

Sweetie: "Frosted Unlucky Worms!"

Plucky: "They're magically disgusting."

Gyp-Parody

(The sketch begins with a zoomed-out view of the studio, complete with the audience in the bleachers cheering and a cameraman filming the event. The camera zooms in)

Announcer: "Welcome to Gyp-Parody! And here's our fabulous host..."

(The camera cuts to Buster, dressed in a blue coat, a pink undershirt, and a purple tie)

Announcer: "Blink Winklebunny!"

Buster: "Ha! Hi, fun-lovers. Let's meet today's contestants."

(Buster rushes over to the contestants' podiums. The camera cuts to a view of the podiums as Buster arrives. In the podiums are Calamity Coyote, Dizzy Devil, and Elmyra Duff)

Buster: "First, from Acme Looniversity..."

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster and Calamity)

Buster: "Boy genius, Calamity Coyote!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Calamity in his podium. Calamity puts on a helmet with a light bulb, then presses a button, turning it on. The helmet explodes, and the text, NERDIOUS DORKIUS appears on his podium. The camera then cuts to a view of Dizzy in his podium)

Buster (heard offscreen): "From Tasmania, here's Dizzy Devil!"

(Dizzy puts on a bib, and picks up his podium, growling)

Dizzy: "Dizzy eat podium!"

(Dizzy continues growling, and proceeds to eat his podium. He burps, then the camera moves to Elmyra in her podium)

Buster (heard offscreen): "And hailing from her own little world, animal lover and all-around dim bulb, Elmyra!"

Elmyra (giggles): "Am I on television?"

(The camera cuts back to Buster, who walks back to his podium)

Buster: "Remember, your answer must be spoken in the form of a question." (The camera cuts to a view of Calamity, Dizzy, and Elmyra in their podiums) "Ready?" (Dizzy, Elmyra, and Calamity all nod their heads, "Yes", then the camera cuts to Buster) "American Firsts for $50." (The camera zooms in on the category screen, which shows the text, HE WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT OF THE U.S. on it) "He was the first President of the United States."

(The camera cuts to Elmyra, who raises her left hand and presses her buzzer with her right)

Buster: "Elmyra?"

Elmyra: "A Bunny? I mean, what is a bunny?"

(The camera cuts back to Buster, who looks rather annoyed)

Buster: "No, I'm sorry. Anyone else?"

(The camera cuts to Calamity in his podium. Calamity holds a sign that says, WHO IS GEORGE WASHINGTON?. The camera zooms out as he presses his buzzer, but it doesn't buzz. He presses his buzzer repeatedly, to no avail, then kicks his podium)

Buster: "The correct response; 'Who is George Washington?"

(The camera moves to Dizzy, who continues eating his podium, then cuts back to Buster)

Buster: "All right, staring a new category."

(Elmyra presses her buzzer. Buster turns his head around, then the camera cuts to Elmyra)

Elmyra: "A bunny?"

(The camera cuts back to Buster)

Buster: "I didn't give the category yet!"

(Buster clears his throat, then adjusts his tie. He turns around and looks at the piece of paper he is holding)

Buster: "How about Famous Bodies of Water for $100?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra as Buster walks up to her)

Buster: "Do you wanna say anything?"

Elmyra (Giggles): "No."

Buster: "Good."

(Buster walks back to the category board. The camera cuts to him at the category board as he reads off a category card)

Buster: "This is the longest river in..."

(Before he can continue, Elmyra presses her buzzer. He turns around.)

Buster: "What?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra)

Elmyra: "What is the Bunny?"

(The camera cuts back to Buster, who is on the floor, kicking and pounding his fists)

Buster: "No-ho-ho, no, it is not 'bunny'!." (He stands up) "Is that the only word you can say?"

(The camera cuts back to Elmyra)

Elmyra (giggles): "No."

(The camera cuts back to a very annoyed Buster, who shakes his head and wipes it with a handkerchief with his right arm while holding the category card with his left. The camera zooms in on the category screen)

Buster: "Holidays for $100."

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra)

Buster: "This is the animal symbol most associated with Easter."

(The camera cuts to Dizzy, who finishes eating his podium and burps, then moves over to Calamity, who is angrily pressing his buzzer, which refuses to buzz, while holding a sign that says, WHO IS THE EASTER BUNNY?. The camera cuts back to Elmyra as Buster walks up to her podium.)

Buster: "Elmyra, don't you have an answer?"

(Elmyra presses her buzzer)

Elmyra: "Who is George Washington?"

(Buster's jaw drops and his tongue rolls out. The camera cuts to a close-up of him as he screams loudly. He turns old and grey and sits down in a wheelchair, which Babs (dressed like a nurse) pushes him away in. After the sketch ends, Buster and Babs are back in the TV station)

Buster: "Stay Tiny Tuned!"

Babs: "We'll be right back!"

(The scene blacks out, ending Act One)

Act Two

(The second act begins with a background of outer space. Buster and Babs, who are both dressed in back tuxedos, appear on floating yellow discs. Buster is facing the viewers, while Babs is facing the opposite direction)

Buster: "Don't adjust your dial. Sit quietly, and we will control all that you see and hear."

(The discs move so that Babs is facing the viewers and Buster is facing the opposite direction)

Buster: "You are about to participate in a Tiny Toons adventure."

(Buster's disc moves behind Babs, bumping Buster into her. Babs stares angrily at Buster while he looks nervously at her. Both bunnies are then pushed away by the I Love Dizzy title card)

I Love Dizzy

(After the title card pushes the two bunnies away, Dizzy writes, I LOVE DIZZY with a red crayon while trying to sing the opening theme of I Love Lucy)

Announcer: "It's the I Love Dizzy show!"

(The camera fades to the next scene, which is in black and white. Dizzy is at a cake factory, wearing a chef's hat and apron, standing next to the manager. The audience applauds)

Cake Factory Manager: "Welcome to your first day here at Acme baked goods, Mr. Devil."

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Dizzy)

Audience: "Uh-oh!"

(The Audience laughs, then the camera cuts to the Manager showing Dizzy the machine. He pulls the lever down, and a cake appears on the conveyor belt. He pulls the lever back up. The camera cuts to him frosting the cake with whipped cream)

Cake Factory Manager: "Your job is cover each cake with whipped cream, like so. Add a cherry, like so..."

(The Cake Factory Manager walks to a shelf stocked with cakes. The camera cuts to a view of the shelf as the Manager puts the cake on the shelf)

Manager: "And Ca-a-a-a-arefully place it over here, like so." (He turns around) "Do you have all that, Mr. Devil?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Dizzy. The Audience laughs)

Dizzy (growls): "Yeah."

Cake Factory Manager: "Fine."

(The camera cuts back to a view of Dizzy and the Manager)

Cake Factory Manager: "I'll be back later to check on your progress."

(The Manager walks away, then the camera cuts to a view of the machine. Dizzy walks over to the machine and pulls the lever down. A cake appears on the conveyor belt, then the camera cuts to a view of Dizzy as he puts whipped cream and a cherry on the cake. He walks away, holding the cake in his left hand. The camera cuts to a view of the shelf, then to a close-up of Dizzy. Dizzy is about to put the cake on the shelf, but he decides to eat it instead, and inevitably ends up eating it. The camera then cuts to a view of a loudspeaker)

Cake Factory Manager (on the loudspeaker) "Stand by to increase production in the cake frosting department!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Dizzy, looking confused, then to a view of the machine as cakes fall from it)

Audience: "Uh-oh!"

(Dizzy walks over to the machine, then runs worried in circles. He quickly scoops up the cake mess with his tongue, and catches the rest of the cakes in his mouth. The audience laughs as he does this. Dizzy then spins, and the camera focuses on him as he eats the conveyor belt. He stops, sighs, and lays down with a bloated belly as the Manager walks back in to check on his progress. Dizzy then picks his teeth with a piece of the conveyor belt)

Cake Factory Manager: "Why, Mr. Devil? You've eaten us right out of business! We're ruined!"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Dizzy)

Dizzy: "Yum! Uh, oh. Me mean... Waaah!" (A red heart closes on Dizzy) "Ow!"

(The red heart zooms out, revealing the words, A DIZZYDO PRODUCTION written on it)

Calvin Acme's Depression Commercial

(The sketch begins with a view of a room with a checkered floor and a pillar on the right side. A cat walks in)

Announcer: "She came on strong."

(Fifi jumps in and hugs the cat)

Fifi: "Hold me!"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of the room, with several abstract art pieces, one of which the cat is posing on. Fifi skips through, as the cat stops posing to look at her. When Fifi stands next to the cat on the art piece, her smell scares the cat and causes his color to melt from him, turning her white)

Announcer: "But something about her lingered."

(The camera cuts to another view of the room, where several cats are making poses. Fifi walks by them, and they all turn their attention to her)

Announcer: "She was a girl, she was a mystery, she was..."

Cats: "A skunk!"

(The three cats run away. The camera then cuts to a close-up of a perfume bottle, with the word, Depression written on it)

Announcer: "Calvin Acme's depression."

(Fifi's hands reach from offscreen and grab the bottle. Fifi pulls her body towards the bottle as the camera zooms out)

Fifi: "Le sigh."

Announcer: "When you've got a smell so strong, nothing can cover it up."

(The bottle reveals its face, as well as it arms, which are the two handles. The bottle plugs its nose with its left hand and walks away. The camera zooms in on a confused Fifi, ending the sketch)

Super Pluckyo Bros. Commercial

(The sketch begins with a close-up view of the cover art for the Super Pluckyo Bros. video game, which shows Plucky dressed like Mario under the words, SUPER PLUCKYO BROS)

Announcer: "It's the brand new hit video game, Super Pluckyo Bros.!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Pluckyo and Linguine (two Plucky Ducks dressed like Mario, with Linguine being the taller one) walking across a video game environment not unlike that of Super Mario Bros.)

Announcer: "Live the fun and excitement as you guide Pluckyo and his brother Linguine through Fungo World!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed out view, then moves to a castle turret, where Shirley the Loon, dressed like Princess Peach is standing. The camera cuts to a close-up of her)

Shirley: "Ew, like, save me and junk!"

(The camera cuts back to Pluckyo and Linguine. Various blocks rise from the ground, and Pluckyo tries jumping across them, but ends up falling. Linguine continues jumping on the blocks, until he reaches a tree. The camera moves to Shirley's tower)

Announcer: "Rescue Princess Loon from the Toadstool tower by picking the Magic Kumquat!"

(The camera cuts back to Linguine, then to a close-up of the tree as Linguine grabs the wrong Magic Kumquat)

Announcer: "But be sure to grab the right magic Kumquat, or the Dizzy Doofus will pluck you bald!"

(The camera cuts back to Linguine. Dizzy appears in the tree as a result of Linguine picking the wrong Magic Kumquat. The camera cuts to a close-up of Linguine, who stares in shock, then back to the tree as Dizzy grabs Linguine. The camera then cuts to Pluckyo as Dizzy carries Linguine from above. Pluckyo turns around, then looks in shock. He runs to the right side of the screen, away from a pair of giant chattering teeth, then runs in the opposite direction, still being chased by the aforementioned chattering teeth. He then runs back to the right side of the screen, being chased by a giant toaster. He runs back to the opposite side, still being chased by the aforementioned giant toaster. He then runs back to the right side of the screen again, this time being chased by a giant turtle. The turtle then runs away from Pluckyo in the opposite direction, but Plucky turns around midway to avoid getting hit by a green ghost. The camera cuts to a view of three platforms stacked on top of each other. Pluckyo jumps in the middle of the three platforms, and the Ghost follows him. When the Ghost is in the middle platform, Plucky0o runs back and jumps on the top platform, squishing the Ghost. The flattened ghost follows Pluckyo, and at this point has a pair of legs with a familiar-looking pair of pink shoes with white stripes. The camera cuts back to Pluckyo, who is being chased by a giant frog. Pluckyo then rides the giant frog in the opposite direction, holding his hat in his left hand)

Announcer: "And find the giant Nyah-nyah of Power before time runs out..."

(The camera focuses on Pluckyo as he runs back to the three platforms, which are moving up and down now. On the right side of the platforms is a giant green and white duck under a sign that says, THE GIANT NYAH-NYAH)

Announcer: "Or you'll be mega-gornished!"

(Pluckyo jumps onto the top platform, then onto the Giant Nyah-nyah. In the next scene, he is now a muscular giant with a white cape. The enemies from the game approach him from the left side, but he looks down at them and kicks them. He then walks to the Toadstool Tower and punches it, causing Shirley to land in his hands. Suddenly, the effects of the Giant Nyah-nyah wear off and he shrinks back to his normal size. He and Shirley fall to the ground, and a big red box with the words, GAME OVER appears above them. The camera cuts to an arcade, revealing that the game was being played on an arcade machine by Plucky the entire time, then cuts to a close-up of his face. The enemies from the game spin around his head and stars have replaced the pupils in his eyes)

Plucky: "It's more than a game! It's an obsession!"

(The camera cuts back to the arcade machine as a giant pair of chattering teeth from the game comes out of the machine and starts chasing Plucky. The camera cuts to an overhead view of the arcade, then focuses on Plucky as he tries to escape from the chattering teeth, knocking over several other arcade machines along the way)

Announcer: "It's Super Pluckyo Bros. for your Numbmindo system! Whine, scream, and cry until your folks break down and buy you one! Only $879.99. Batteries, instructions, joystick and game not included."

Honey, I Shrunk the Clothes Trailer

(The sketch begins with an outside view of the Acme Laundromat. Fifi walks in, holding a green dress, then makes her way inside the building)

Announcer: "Coming soon, Hamton Pig and Gogo Dodo in their first big-screen adventure, Honey, I Shrunk the Clothes!"

(The text, Honey, I Shrunk the Clothes appears onscreen. The camera cuts to a view inside the laundromat, where a giant machine, consisting of two eggbeaters and a tub of water, and is washing the clothes. The camera then moves to Hamton, who puts a pile of clothes on the conveyor belt. Gogo puts more clothes, including Fifi's dress, onto the conveyor belt, knocking Hamton onto it as well. Gogo brushes his hands off, then stares in shock when he realizes he accidentally put Fifi's dress on it. The camera cuts to the pile of clothes as Gogo runs to it and starts tossing clothes out of the pile. Midway through his attempt, the action pauses and box that says, GOOD CLEAN FUN ACME GAZETTE appears above Gogo and the clothes)

Announcer: "'Good Clean Fun' raves The Acme Gazette."

(The action resumes, and Gogo pulls out Hamton, who is wearing a blue baby bonnet and a red and purple striped tie. Gogo then runs to the left side, and Hamton follows him, losing the bonnet in the process. The camera cuts to an overhead view of the conveyor belt as it moves Hamton and Gogo into the machine. The camera then cuts to an underhead view as Hamton and Gogo fall into the machine, with two pairs of robotic arms lowering themselves after them, one of which is holding a brush, and the other is holding a washboard. The camera cuts to a view inside the machine, where Hamton and Gogo tread water. The action pauses again, and a box that says, "...MORE THRILLS THAN A COLD RINSE CYCLE" ENTERTOONMENT TONIGHT" appears above them)

Announcer: "'More thrills than a cold rinse cycle', says Entertooment Tonight".

(The action resumes, and the robot arms scrub Hamton and Gogo. The camera then cuts to a view of the Acme Dryer as the arms toss them inside. A sign that says, "I LAUGHED TILL I STOPPED!" GENE SHALIT" spins onscreen)

Announcer: "'I laughed till I stopped!' gushes Gene Shalit."

(The camera cuts to a view of the other end of the Acme Dryer, as it ejects Hamton and Gogo, who are now neatly folded. The camera then cuts to a view of other neatly folded clothes, which Hamton and Gogo land on. In the next scene, Fifi is at the counter, angrily ringing the bell. Hamton and Gogo approach the counter, and Hamton holds Fifi's dress, which has shrunk to the size of a doll's dress. Fifi screams (though her scream is unheard), and the words, HONEY I SHRUNK THE CLO HES comes out of her mouth, with the tiny dress forming the T missing from the word, CLOTHES)

Announcer: "That's Honey, I Shrunk the Clothes. See them at an Acmeplex theater near you."

(Before the sketch ends, the following text appears briefly onscreen in parts as follows:

WARNER BROS. and AMBILIN ANIMATION CO-VENTURES in association with LOTS O' CASH PARTNERS IV present a TOM RUEGGER PRODUCTION of a KEN BOYER ART LEONARDI AND KENT BUTTERWORTH film - HAMTON J. PIG GOGO DODO in "HONEY I SHRUNK THE CLOTHES" Starring BUSTER BUNNY BABS BUNNY (No relation) MONTANA MAX PLUCKY DUCK CESAR ROMARO THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA LITTLE BEEPER CALAMITY COYOTE and Introducing EDDIE FITZGERALD as "MOOKIE"

APPEARANCE BY FIFI LA FUME as THE IRATE CUSTOMER Executive Producer G. WHO Written by THE USUAL GUYS Drawn by KEXX BYRON BARRY DEMELO AND THE REST OF THE GANG AT THE TINY TOONS CARTOONY FACTORY. Model colors figures out at great expense by BUNNY MUNNS Backgrounds by KARTHERINE and BRIAN Music by ONE OF BRUCE'S GUYS Based on the book "Crime and Punishment" by FEODOR DOSTOEVSKY Harried assistant to the harried producer DEBRA BLANCHARD AND KENNETH ROSS

Monitor PAUL STRICKLAND DOESN'T IT HURT YOUR EYES TO READ PRINT THIS TINY? Live Action Reference by SHERRI STONER Mildly disgusted with the whole thing TOM MINTON person with nothing better to do than to write this PAUL DINI THIS LINE IS FOR PEOPLE WHO HIT FREEZE FRAME AND LOOK FOR SUSPECT MESSAGES Art Direction VINCENT VAN GOGH EDITED BY CUISINART MOST OF THE PEOPLE LISTED HERE HAD NOTHING WHATSOEVER TO DO WITH THE MAKING OF THIS MOVIE THEY JUST LIKE SEEING THEIR NAMES

WHIZ BY AT ONE-TENTH OF A SECOND Hamton J. Pig appears courtesy of OSCAR MEYER INC. Gogo Dodo's hair by VEG-O-MATIC ORIGINAL SOUNDTRACK RECORDING AVAILABLE ON ELEVATOR P.A. SYSTEMS BE SURE AND BUY EVERY PRODUCT CONNECTED WITH THIS MOVIE OR YOU'RE IN BIG TROUBLE JACK WE'RE NOT KIDDING WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE Directed by KEN BOYER ART LEONARDI KENT BUTTERWORTH KENNEDY CARTOONS DON'T WASTE YOUR SEVEN BUCKS ON THIS HOUND SEE GRIM-LOONS 2 INSTEAD HI MOM)

Toon Court

(The sketch begins with an overhead view of the Acme courthouse. The camera zooms in on it, then cuts to a view inside the building, moving down from a statue of Elmyra holding a book in her right hand and a balance scale in her left, to Yosemite Sam in the Judge's booth. The camera cuts to a view of the other side of the room as Calamity kicks the doors. Everyone gasps, and the camera moves to reveal that Babs, Plucky, Elmyra, and Fifi are sitting in the audience. The camera cuts back to Calamity as he angrily walks into the courtroom, with him getting closer and closer to the camera every second. The camera then cuts to a view of his backside as he approaches the plaintiff podium (complete with an Acme box next to it))

Buster (heard offscreen): "This is the plaintiff..."

(The camera cuts to a view of the front of the plaintiff podium as Calamity stands behind it. Fifi and Hamton are on the left side, and Elmyra, Babs, and Plucky are on the right)

Buster (heard offscreen): "Calamity Coyote, boy genius."

(The camera cuts to a solitary view of Calamity at the plaintiff's podium. The text, CALAMITY COYOTE: PLAINTIFF appears onscreen)

Buster (heard offscreen): "He's suing the Acme company for negligence and faulty workmanship."

(Calamity turns around, and the camera moves to Bobbo Acme in the Defendant's podium. The text, BOBBO ACME: DEFENDANT appears onscreen)

Buster (heard offscreen): "This is the defendant: Bobbo Acme. He claims that Acme products are safe when used properly."

(Bobbo Acme turns around, then the camera cuts to an overhead view of the podiums. As Buster talks, the camera moves upwards to the TOON COURT sign)

Buster: "What you are about to see is real; both parties are really mad and have agreed to settle their dispute here, in the Toon Court."

(The camera cuts to a view of Calamity and Sam. Sam is holding a noose)

Buster: "Hanging Judge Sam will hear opening remarks."

Yosemite Sam: "All right, critter."

(The camera cuts to a view of Calamity in his podium. The shadow of Sam's noose appears above Calamity's shadow as the camera zooms out)

Yosemite Sam: "You claim you had some trouble with that there catty-pault, uh?"

(Calamity holds up a sign that says YES. The camera cuts to a view of Sam)

Yosemite Sam: "Well, prove it, you flea-bitten varmint!"

(The camera cuts back to Calamity in his podium. He holds up a sign that says, OK, then walks away, leaving his shadow behind. His shadow, which looks like it's about to be hanged by the shadow of the noose, turns around and runs after him. The camera cuts to Calamity on a catapult, then zooms out as he pulls the lever. Instead of launching him, the catapult turns over and falls on Calamity. Calamity walks back to the judge's booth, feeling very dizzy. The camera cuts to a view of the Judge's booth, with Calamity with stars spinning over his head)

Yosemite Sam: "Hmmm. Acme, your company built this here contraption."

(The camera moves to the catapult)

Yosemite Sam: "Kee-rect?"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Bobbo, who smokes his cigar)

Bobbo Acme: "Yes, we did."

(The camera cuts to a view of the Judge's booth. The smoke rings from Bobbo's cigar move up to Sam as the camera zooms in on him)

Yosemite Sam: "Well, is it defective?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Bobbo next to Calamity)

Bobbo: "Yehh, not when used properly."

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Sam)

Yosemite Sam: "Then let's see yo do it!"

(The camera cuts back to Bobbo)

Bobbo: "I'd be glad to."

(Bobbo walks to the catapult, and wraps Calamity up in his tail. The camera cuts to the catapult, and moves to reveal Calamity is tied up in it. Bobbo pulls the lever, which causes the catapult to launch Calamity. The camera cuts to an opposing view of the courtroom as Calamity crashes through the window, then the camera cuts to a close-up of Bobbo)

Bobbo: "See? it worked."

(A loud crash sound is heard. The camera cuts to a view of the audience, then moves over to Calamity, who walks dizzily. The camera cuts back to Sam)

Yosemite Sam: "Not guilty!"

(Sam slams his podium with his gavel, which breaks. The camera cuts back to Calamity as the broken piece of the gavel hits him on the head, knocking him over. The camera zooms in on him, and he holds up a sign that says, WHY ME?. The sketch fades to black, ending Act Two)

Act Three

(The third act begins with Buster and Babs at the TV station, at a desk with computers)

Buster: "Let's check out nighttime programming."

Babs: "You know, the good stuff you have to sneak out of bed to watch."

(The screen fades to black)

The Blunder Years

(The sketch begins with the text, The BLUNDER YEARS onscreen, with the U in BLUNDER tilted.

Announcer: "Stay tuned for The Blunder Years!"

(The screen fades to black, then fades to a field of plants, with bees buzzing around them)

Hamton (voiceover): "Ah, springtime. Green grass,"

(The camera cuts to some flying bluebirds)

Hamton (voiceover): "Blue sky,"

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of the field, then moves to the Acme Acres Little League Baseball Field)

Hamton (voiceover): "And little league baseball."

(The camera cuts to Buster and Plucky on the field, dressed in baseball uniforms, then to Hamton, also dressed in a baseball uniform, who is sitting on a bench, looking unhappy)

Hamton (voiceover): "The horror of my adolescence."

(The camera cuts to a view of the field, and focuses on Hamton walks onto it. In the background, Roderick Rat and a bird Perfecto student can be seen practicing)

Hamton (voiceover): "It wasn't that I disliked baseball exactly..."

(Hamton passes by Plucky, who is in the pitcher's mound)

Plucky: "Hello, butterfingers."

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of the field, with the Acme Looniversity and Perfecto Prep students taking their places)

Hamton (voiceover): "I just stunk at it."

(The camera cuts to Hamton as he steps near third base, then the camera cuts to a view of the field as Roderick walks to home plate and Buster is in the pitcher's mound. The camera cuts to a view of Buster in the pitcher's mound, as he tips his cap, picks up a piece of paper on the mound and drops it, wipes his nose with his arm, then the camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Buster prepares to throw the ball, followed by a close-up of Hamton, who is praying on his knees)

Hamton: "Please don't let the ball come to me, please don't let the ball come to me!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster tossing the ball, followed by a view of Hamton still praying)

Hamton: "Please don't let the ball come to me, please..."

(The ball hits Hamton on the head, knocking him over. Five angels spin above his head, then pick him up. The camera focuses on them as they carry Hamton to second base. The camera cuts to an overhead view of the field, followed by a view of Hamton at second base)

Hamton (voiceover): "Second base. Surely I would be safe here."

(The angels drop Hamton and fly into his ears. The camera cuts to a view of the field as Arnold carries a giant bat, then back to Hamton, who prays on his knees again, this time, sweating)

Hamton: "Please don't let the ball come to me, please don't let the ball come to me, please don't let the ball come to me!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster as he throws the ball, then to a view of Arnold as he hits the ball with his bat. The camera focuses on the ball, as it burrows its way under Buster, then into Hamton's belly, knocking him down. The angels return, and they carry Hamton away. The camera cuts to an overhead view of him in the outfield, then zooms out to reveal the whole stadium."

Hamton (voiceover): "Ah, the safety of the outfield."

(The camera cuts to a view of Plucky as a gorilla Perfecto student prepares to bat, then back to Hamton, who once again prays on his knees)

Hamton: "Please don't let the ball come to me, please don't let the ball come to me!"

(The camera cuts back to the gorilla and Plucky. Buster throws the ball, and the gorilla hits it with his bat. The camera focuses on the ball, then cuts to Hamton, who tries to catch it. The camera cuts back to the ball as it goes into the air, then cuts to the bleachers, where Bugs, Daffy, Elmer, Foghorn, and a mistakenly blue-colored Sylvester look up. The camera cuts back to a shocked Hamton, as the ball enters the view of his pupils, getting bigger as it comes down. The camera cuts back to Bugs, Daffy, Foghorn, and Sylvester as the ball hits Hamton, then cuts to the bench, where the angels carry Hamton to it. They fly back into his ears, and the camera zooms out to an overhead view of the field)

Hamton (voiceover): "Warming the bench."

(The camera cuts to a view of the field as Hamton watches the game from the bench. This time, Montana Max is batting)

Hamton (voiceover): "Nothing bad could happen here. I'd just wait on the game and..."

(Buster throws the ball, which Monty bats. The ball knocks Hamton over, and the angels fly to him)

Elmer: "Foul!"

Plucky: "Excuse me, Sir, that's the pig. I'm the fowl."

(The camera cuts to an overhead view outside the field. On the scoreboard, Perfecto has won against Acme Looniversity 81 to nothing. The camera zooms in on the Acme Acres Little League bus as the angels carry Hamton inside)

Hamton (voiceover): "So what if I wasn't any good at baseball?"

(The camera cuts to a view inside the bus as the angels carry Hamton to his seat and drop him there. The camera zooms in him)

Hamton (voiceover): "It was the common rottery that mattered."

(Plucky walks up to Hamton and sits next to him)

Plucky: "Nice game."

(The camera cuts to a view of the left side of the bus as it drives away, then cuts to Hamton, who lifts the window to look out of it. The camera then cuts to an opposing view as Hamton looks outside at the field)

Hamton (voiceover): "That summer, I learned a lot."

(The camera cuts back to the previous view of him at the window. A baseball hits him on the head)

Hamton (voiceover): "I learned that my head was a magnet for baseballs."

Nature World

(The sketch begins with a view of a porcupine gnawing a tree. The camera zooms out on it as Elmyra walks up to it and hugs it)

Announcer: "Later on Nature World, Elmyra discovers porcupines."

(The camera cuts to a view of a satellite orbiting the Earth. Elmyra flies up to the satellite, screaming from the pain of the porcupine's quills. The camera cuts back to the porcupine, who has lost all his quills, but snickers)

Ralph

(Ralph is laying on a couch, wearing only a white pair of boxers with red hearts, and black shoes. He is stroking his scalp with his left hand)

Ralph: "Eh, don't hate me just cause', uh, I'm beautiful."

(A pie is flung and it hits Ralph's face)

Wackyland Travel Log

(The sketch begins with a view of Wackyland. The camera moves to a sign that says, WELCOME TO WACKYLAND. An anthropomorphic log, known as the Travel Log, is seen passing by the sign, carring a suitcase)

Travel Log: "Welcome to Wackyland."

(The camera cuts to a close-up of the Travel Log)

Travel Log: "Yes, this is a travel log.

(The log's suitcase opens, revealing a propellered vehicle inside. The Travel Log jumps onto the vehicle and drives it. The camera cuts to a view of Wackyland as the Travel Log drives his vehicle)

Travel Log: "Ah, beautiful, scenic Wackyland. Land of serenity,"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Gogo Dodo)

Travel Log: "Home of Gogo Wackston the Dodo."

(The camera zooms in on Gogo as the Travel Log's vehicle's horn beeps. Gogo cups his hand to his ear to hear the vehicle. The camera cuts to a view of Wackyland as the Travel Log continues to drive his vehicle. It then cuts back to Gogo as the Travel Log passes by him, then it cuts to a sign that says, DRAWBRIDGE AHEAD. The camera moves to a half-drawn bridge being drawn by an anthropomorphic pencil. It then cuts to a close-up of the pencil. The Travel Log's horn beeps and the pencil stares in shock, drawing a scribbled line. It snaps its point and runs away. The camera cuts to the Travel Log, who is unable to stop his vehicle in time, and moves in closer to the camera, which then to a side view of the bridge as the Travel Log drives off it. The camera then cuts to a view of the canyon as the Travel Log falls down it, with the pieces of the vehicle not far behind. The camera then cuts to Gogo and focuses on him as he floats in midair, with his head spinning and flashing like a siren. He even makes a siren sound as he floats along. The camera cuts to a view of the wreckage. Gogo stops when he approaches the wreckage. He pulls out a pencil and a pad of paper)

Gogo: "What's this?"

(The suitcase opens and the Travel Log comes out, sweating nervously)

Gogo: "Violating the rules of the road, eh? Got something to say for yourself? Go ahead, I'm all ears."

(Gogo transforms into a giant ear, which makes a party favor noise. He then turns back to his normal form)

Gogo: "Whoops. Looks like a case for, Wacky Traffic Court!"

(The camera cuts to the next scene, where a Judge's booth and a defendant's podium fall on Gogo and the Travel Log, respectively. Gogo is then dressed like a judge as the camera cuts to a close-up of him and the Travel Log)

Gogo: "Guilty! Sentenced to hard time in the Wacky Catacome!"

(Gogo pulls out a clock, and the camera cuts to it as he sets it down on the booth. However, the clock is labelled by numbers from the number 13 to the number 23. Gogo then breaks the clock by smashing it with his gavel. The camera cuts back to a view of him and the Travel Log as he hits his Judge's booth with his gavel. His podium breaks and the Travel Log, now dressed in a prisoner's outfit, falls into a hole)

Gogo: "Au revoir. Bon appetit. Next case."

(An anthropomorphic letter Y passes by Gogo. The camera cuts to a view of Wackyland as Gogo talks to the letter Y)

Gogo: "Hey, who are you?"

Y: "Y."

Gogo: "Because I wanna know, that's why."

(An anthropomorphic letter U walks up and points to Y)

U: "No, that's Y."

Gogo: "Who are you?"

U: "I'm U. Who are you?"

Gogo: "Why?"

U: "You mean him?"

(U points to Y. The camera then cuts to a zoomed-out view)

Gogo: "Who do you think you are?"

(An anthropomorphic letter R falls down the hole above U and Y and lands on them. He then stands up)

R: "You R-r-r-rang?"

The Search For Bigbutt

(The sketch begins with an overhead view of the forest. The text, SOMEWHERE IN NORTHWESTERN OREGON appears onscreen. The camera then cuts to a view of a red car, and focuses on it as it drives across the road, then stops)

Plucky: "Did you see that?"

(Plucky runs into the road, behind the car)

Plucky: "Go back! Quick! Quick!"

(As Plucky points in front of him, the car backs up and flattens him. He stands back up, and runs to the car. The camera cuts to a view of the car, as Plucky runs into the car's headlights)

Plucky: "It was humongous!"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Plucky)

Plucky: "It had to be..." (pants) "Bigbutt!"

Buster (heard offscreen): "Join us as we search for the legendary Bigbutt!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Bigbutt in the forest, below the text, THE SEARCH FOR BIGBUTT. It then cuts to a view of a map of the United States, then zooms in as several Bigbutt stamps appear on it in various states)

Buster: "Sightings of the beast have been reported for years."

(The camera cuts to a view of the outside of a log cabin, where an old prospector, who resembles Yosemite Sam (with a grey beard), sits in a rocking chair. The camera then cuts to a close-up of him)

Prospector: "Bigbutt? Of course I believes in that big-bottomed rascal!"

(A flashback begins, showing the prospector as a kid, panning for gold in a river)

Prospector: "I was panning for gold in 1909,"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of the Prospector as a kid)

Prospector: "When all of a sudden,"

(Bigbutt sits down behind the Prospector as a kid. The Prospector as a kid turns around and looks in shock)

Prospector: "There it was! A rear end as big as an overturned pickle barrel."

(Bigbutt stands up, and the camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Bigbutt walks away. The Prospector as a kid runs away, leaving his gold dish behind, then runs back to catch it. The camera wipes to a view of Bigbutt's butt print, and the Prospector as a kid walks back to see it)

The Prospector: "The next day, all I found were enormous fanny prints where he sat down."

(The camera cuts to a view of the forest in the present day as Bigbutt walks by)

Buster: "Bigbutt; myth or missing link?"

(The camera cuts to a view of the hills as Bigbutt hides in the bushes, with his enormous butt giving him away. Elmyra skips along the hills. The camera cuts to a close-up of her as she smiles, then it cuts to an opposing view, where she sees Bibgutt's enormous butt in the bushes. The camera cuts back to a close-up of her as she runs towards Bigbutt, then to a view of Bigbutt's butt in the bushes as she gets closer. She stops, and looks in disdain)

Elmyra: "Never mind."

(Elmyra turns around and walks away)

Buster: "Tonight on Weird Mysteries."

Frightline Bumper

(The sketch begins with a view of the Earth, with the text, FRIGHT LINE in front of it. Several rocket ships fly past it, and the camera cuts to a view of a news studio)

Fred Dopple: "Good evening, I'm Fred Dopple, and this is Frightline."

(Fred Dopple removes his human mask, revealing he is really a purple monster with black hair and brown horns. He then puts his human mask back on)

Fred Dopple: "Scary, isn't it?"

Attack of the 50-Foot Girl

(The sketch begins in the background of a city, which is entirely in black and white. Townspeople are running away, looking very scared. A giant Elmyra steps into view, then the camera cuts to a close-up of a townsperson)

Townsperson: "Look! Here it comes!"

(The camera cuts to a view of the giant Elmyra behind the buildings, then to a close-up of her, moving from her feet to her head as she laughs. The camera then cuts to a view of the building, which Elmyra walks up to)

Elmyra: "Oooh! Buildings! I'm gonna hug you and squeeze you and love you to pieces!"

(Elmyra hugs the building, then the camera cuts to a close-up of the building, revealing several people parachuting out of it)

The Acme Home Cartoon Kit Commercial

(Buster, dressed in a tuxedo and a top hat, pushes the previous sketch away to the left. In the background is a curtain and a podium onstage)

Buster: "We'll return in a minute to our late-late-late-shouldn't-you-be-in-bed-by-now movie,"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of the podium as Buster walks to it)

Buster: "But first, this word from the Acme Home Cartoon Kit."

(Buster jumps offscreen, then the camera cuts to a view of the stage, where Buster lands. In the background is Babs, dressed in a purple dress, with a box on her right side)

Buster: "Wanna make your own syndicated TV show?"

(Buster points to the box)

Buster: "Then the Acme Home Cartoon Kit has everything you need."

(The camera cuts to a close-up of the box. It gets lifted, revealing two rockets, a hammer with legs, a saw, and a clock with legs)

Buster: "Zany props..."

(The saw and the hammer chase the clock, which runs in a circle. The saw cuts a hole in the floor, sending it, the hammer, and the clock down the hole. The camera then cuts to a view of Babs, who is unloading the box while standing on a ladder. Various Staff Members are below the box, and the camera zooms out to reveal them all)

Buster: "Writers..."

(The camera cuts to a close-up of the box as Babs unloads it, revealing more staff members, as well as cels of Plucky, Little Beeper, Furrball, Dizzy, Sweetie, Barky Marky, and Calamity falling out of it)

Buster: "Artists, ink and paint, animation cels, and executive staff."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Babs continues to unload the box)

Buster: "Some people with money to pay for it all..."

(Babs unloads two more staff members from the box, who shake hands with each other, followed by Steven Spielberg himself)

Buster: "And some guy who doesn't do anything but put his name on the picture!"

(The camera cuts to a further zoomed-out view of the studio as the giant Elmyra from the previous sketch breaks through the wall. All the staff members, with the exception of Steven Spielberg, as well as Babs, run away (The camera cuts to a close-up of Elmyra as she picks up Steven Speilberg with her right hand)

Elmyra: "Oooh! Thank you, Mr. Speilberg, for making my part bigger!"

Steven Speilberg: "I didn't make the part bigger, I made you bigger. Ooch!"

(Elmyra looks at the camera, confused, as the sketch fades to black, then to the K-Acme TV closing logo)

Buster: "This is K-Acme TV, ending our broadcasting day."

(Static appears onscreen as the episode fades to black, and the credits roll)

Transcripts
Season 1 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 24 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65
Season 2 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78
Season 3 79 | 80 | 81 | 82 | 83 | 84 | 85 | 86 | 87 | 88 | 89 | 90 | 91 | 92 | 93 | 94 | 95 | 96 | 97 | 98
Movies and Specials Tiny Toon Adventures: How I Spent My Vacation | Tiny Toon Adventures: Spring Break Special | Tiny Toon Adventures: Night Ghoulery

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