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It's a Wonderful Tiny Toons Christmas Special/Transcript

Act One

(The episode begins with a title sequence using footage from both the normal opening credits and the episode itself. It is snowing over the title sequence as the toons sing)

Toons (singing): "We're tiny, we're toony, we're all a little looney, and very very soony, Christmas will be here, We're comic dispensers, we crack up all the censors, It's Tiny Toon Adventures, with some special yuletide cheer! So here's Acme Acres, it's a wonderland of snow, Sleigh bells ring, toonsters sing, beneath the mistletoe! Our writer's aren't gifted, the story has been lifted, on Tiny Toon Adventures, let's start the show! They're furry, they're funny, they're Babs and Buster Bunny, Montana Max has money, Elmyra is a pain, here's Hamton and Plucky, Dizzy Devil's yucky, Furrball's unlucky, and Gogo is insane! At Acme Looniversity, we trim the Christmas tree, deck the halls and guess what falls, an anvil, naturally! We're tiny, we're toony, we're all a little looney, On Tiny Toon Adventures, It's our Christmas show! To Grandma's house we go!"

(After the title sequence, the screen fades to black, then to a picture of Buster and Babs dressed like Santa Claus, riding a horse-drawn carriage with a christmas tree. The picture turns into the episode's title, then to the writer's credits, followed by the story boarders' credits, the producer's credits, and the director's credit. The screen fades to black, then to the next scene, where it is Christmas Eve. It is snowing above a sign that says, YOU ARE NOW IN ACME ACRES. The camera moves to the right side of the screen, past some buildings and holiday decorations. It then moves past Acme Looniversity and Monty's Mansion, both of which can be seen in the distance, past the forest, past Plucky's house, which can be seen in the distance, until it reaches the road. The screen then transitions to a view of Babs' burrow, where candy canes can be seen where the flowers usually are. Inside her burrow, Babs is praying to God)

Babs (heard offscreen): "Please help Buster, He's my best friend!"

(The camera cuts to a view outside Acme Looniversity and zooms out. Inside, Li'l Sneezer is praying to God)

Sneezer (heard offscreen): "Something's the matter with Buster! Save him!"

(The camera cuts to a view outside Hamton's house. It has a menorah in the window, implying Hamton's family is Jewish. Inside, Hamton is praying to God)

Hamton (heard offscreen): "Don't let anything bad happen to Buster!"

(The camera cuts to a view outside Plucky's house. Plucky can be seen in the window, and the camera zooms in on him)

Plucky: "So listen, about Buster…"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Plucky's window as he opens the curtains)

Plucky: "Hey, do you mind? This is private!"

(Plucky closes the curtains. The camera zooms out on him)

Plucky: "Who cares about Buster? Not me."

(Plucky peeks out of the curtains, hoping no one is noticing him. He then hides back behind them)

Plucky: "Please take care of him!"

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of Plucky's house)

Plucky: "I beg you!" (crying as the camera moves upwards) "Otherwise Tiny Toons will be cancelled and I'll have to work on some chipmunk show!"

(Plucky continues crying as the camera continues moving upwards)

Babs, Sneezer, Hamton, and Plucky (heard offscreen): "Please help Buster!"

(The camera stops at a constellation. A hand appears with a paintbrush to paint in the last star. Another star appears onscreen and flies in next to the painted star)

Harvey (heard offscreen): "You sent for me, Sir?"

God: "Harvey, you're gonna have to go down to Acme Acres. Buster Bunny's thinking of quitting Tiny Toons."

Harvey (heard offscreen): "Wha? Why's he gonna do that?"

God: "Poor kid, think's he's a failure."

(The screen transitions to a view of a bunch of snow-covered mountains. Buster and Babs slide down on a sled, and God freeze-frames an image of Buster's head being stretched out)

God: "There he is. Buster Bunny."

Harvey (heard offscreen): "Hey, nice neck. He doesn't look like a quitter."

God: "Well, this is a flashback from earlier today, Christmas Eve."

(God unfreezes Buster, whose head rushes offscreen. The camera cuts to a view of a slope with a tree as Buster and Babs slide down next to it. As they sing, they spray snow onto the camera lens. Santa then sleds by)

Buster and Babs (singing): "We're on an absolutely perfect snowy hillside, for an absolutely perfect fun-filled sled ride,"

(The camera cuts to a view of a bear wearing a Santa hat sleeping in a hollow log. He awakens, looks behind him, and then runs out. As Buster and Babs sing, they sled through the hollow log)

Buster and Babs (singing): "The snow's an absolutely perfect shade of white, on this absolutely perfect Christmas night."

(The camera cuts to a view of a parody of The Grinch and his dog, Max, from How the Grinch Stole Christmas, standing next to a sign that says, Schmagooville, and points downwards)

Blue Grinch: "All the Schmagoos down in Schmagooville…"

(The Pink Max looks behind him as Buster and Babs continue singing)

Buster and Babs (singing offscreen): "Oh, what a positively pretty slope for snow play,"

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster and Babs' backsides, focusing on them as they slide down the slope. The Blue Grinch and Pink Max run away so as not to have them run into them)

Buster and Babs (singing): "On this positively pretty perfect holiday."

(The camera cuts to a side view of the slope, then moves to the right side of the screen as Buster and Babs fly off it)

Buster and Babs (singing): "It's absolutely positively pretty hard to believe, it's such a positively pretty Christmas Eve!"

(The camera cuts to a view of a parody of Sam the Snowman from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. He splits into three pieces, then comes back to move his bottom out of the way. He does so just in time as Buster and Babs rush past him, spinning him. As they continue singing, he grumbles at them)

Buster and Babs (singing): "Completely flawless, utterly wondrous, totally stupendous,"

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster and Babs as they finish singing and jump off the sled, revealing it is the "Rosebud" sled from Citizen Kane)

Buster and Babs (singing): "Absolutely perfect Christmas Eve!"

(The sled slides away)

Buster: "Hiya, holiday toonsters! I'm Buster Bunny!"

Babs: "And I'm Babs Bunny!"

Buster and Babs: "No relation."

Buster: "Welcome to our Tiny Toons Prime-time Holiday Spectacular, with celebrity guest stars galore!"

Montana Max (heard offscreen): "What's going on here?"

Buster: "Cut!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view, revealing the special is being filmed at a stage. In the seats are Edward and Fran. Babs walks backstage)

Babs: "I need a neck rub. Where's Carlos?"

(Monty appears onscreen. The camera cuts to an opposing view, revealing him to be in a wheelchair with his left leg in a cast. It then zooms in on Edward and Fran)

Monty: "How dare you start rehearsals without me!"

Buster: "Monty, you're late!"

Plucky: "I was skiing in Aspen with Morgan Fairchild, I had a mishap. Where's my part?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Monty, with bloodshot-looking eyes. As God and Harvey are talking to each other, he looks around)

Harvey (heard offscreen): "Say, who's the kid with the big head?"

God: "Montana Max, richest and meanest toon in Acme Acres."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Elmyra walks in, carrying Furrball in her right arm and holding mistletoe with her left hand. As she talks to Monty, Furrball tries to escape from her grasp)

Elmyra: "Don't you want to kiss me under the mistletoe, Monty-wonty, cute cuddly boyfriend head?"

Monty (as he picks Elmyra up by her skirt): "I'd rather eat dog food, dweeb!"

(Monty kicks Elmyra away with his broken leg. The camera then cuts to an opposing view as he points to Fran and Edward)

Monty: "Who are these losers? Are they the celebrity guest stars you promised us?"

(The camera zooms out as Buster walks in)

Buster: "These are the TV executives who are allowing us to do this prime-time special."

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Monty's face as he gets a devious grin. It zooms out as he pulls out a stack of dollars and tosses them to Fran and Edward)

Monty: "Hello! Buy yourself a real network!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Fran and Edward as they catch the money. It then zooms out as Monty rolls his wheelchair past them and Buster follows him, then cuts to a zoomed-in view of Fran and Edward)

Edward: "Ewww! He's…"

Fran: "Smart. He's a smart, young man. Real take-charge. I like him."

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster and Monty onstage. In the background, Calamity can be seen pushing one of the backgrounds)

Buster: "Monty, I didn't think you'd show up."

Monty: "So what?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Buster and Monty as Plucky appears next to them)

Plucky: "So, he wrote you out!"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Monty)

Monty: "What?!"

Fran (heard offscreen): "Monty!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Fran and Edward holding their stacks of money. Fran waves to Monty, then the camera cuts to a view of Buster and Monty as the latter waves back to Fran)

Monty: "Oh, I understand. My faux pas. Go on with your little holiday… skits." (as he rolls away) "Don't mind me."

(The camera cuts to a view of Monty's backside. He turns to face the viewers)

Monty: "Don't mind me… ruining it!"

(Monty laughs evilly. The camera cuts to a view of Buster looking over the script)

Buster: "All right, let's move on to…"

(Plucky appears onscreen, dressed like a reindeer)

Plucky: "Plucky the Red-Beaked Reinduck!"

(Plucky falls over from the weight of the antlers he's wearing. The camera moves downwards as Buster ducks toward Plucky)

Buster: "Plucky, didn't you get the rewrites? The new pages are yellow, see? Now it's Urkel the Red-Nosed Reindude."

Plucky: "Shoot me."

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster by himself)

Buster: "Let's do the Ebenezer Sneezer sketch!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Sneezer, dressed like Ebenezer Scrooge, standing on a bed. Next to him is Bob Hope. The curtains open, revealing Calamity holding cue cards. Monty rolls in, and the camera zooms in)

Bob Hope: "Hey, hi, I'm the ghost of Christmas Past. I tell you, I've seen so many past Christmases, I gave camel-riding lessons to the Three Wise Men."

(The camera cuts to a view of Gogo Dodo, who opens a can with a label on it that says, CANNED LAUGHTER. The sound of the audience laughing emits from the can. Plucky then crawls in, still dressed like a reindeer)

Plucky: "Gogo, you got the new yellow pages?"

Gogo (as he reaches behind the curtain and pulls out a phone book that says, YELLOW PAGES): "Sure!"

Plucky: "I had to ask, didn't I?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Monty, who is holding a pepper shaker in his right hand)

Monty: "This'll spice up your act, Ebenezer Sneezer!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view, focusing on Monty as he rolls his wheelchair up the ladder, laughing evilly. It then cuts to an overhead view of Sneezer and Bob Hope. As they talk to each other, Monty pours pepper over them.)

Sneezer: "I'm a-scared of you, Ghost!"

Bob Hope: "Hey, this kid's cuter than those twins on that Saget Show!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Sneezer)

Sneezer: "Aaah, aaah, aaah,"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view, revealing Furrball standing next to Bob Hope)

Sneezer: "Aaah, aaah… CHOO!"

(Sneezer's sneeze destroys the set. Shirley then falls down, and the set falls on top of her. The camera cuts to a view of Fran and Edward as the latter laughs hysterically)

Edward: "Now this is good!"

Fran: "You are so lost, Edward."

Edward: "Yes, I am."

(The camera cuts to a view of Sneezer as he recovers himself from the wreckage. He sniffles and wipes his nose)

Sneezer: "God bless me, everyone!"

(The camera zooms out as Buster walks in)

Buster: "Cut!"

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of the stage)

God: "Staring to get the idea, Harvey?"

Harvey (heard offscreen): "Yeah, the little mouse should use a tissue."

God: "You're supposed to be watching the blue rabbit."

(The camera cuts to an underhead view of the stage)

Harvey (heard offscreen): "Oh."

Fran: "Psst. Uh, could I offer some unsolicited criticism?"

Buster (as he walks up to her): "Certainly."

(The camera cuts to a side view of Buster and Fran)

Fran: "GET IT TOGETHER!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster by himself as he looks over the script)

Buster (in a weary tone): "Okay, moving on,"

(Plucky appears onstage, dressed like a fruitcake, and holding the yellow pages in his left hand)

Plucky: "Ta-da! Plucky, the Lonely Fruitcake Nobody Wanted For Christmas!"

Buster (as he holds the new script up to Plucky): "Pink pages, Plucky. Now it's Urkel the Lonely Fruitcake."

(The camera cuts to a view backstage as Plucky walks in and rips the yellow pages)

Plucky: "Oh, great. Now the pages are pink. What next, the color purple?"

(The camera focuses on Plucky as he walks up to Shirley the Loon and Luke Perry. Shirley is holding a comb and Luke is sitting on a chair, looking at himself in the mirror)

Luke Perry: "I do not look like James Dean. Could you put my collar up higher and put more grease on my hair?"

Plucky (as he spins Luke's chair): "Take that, Mr. 'I star in a show about zip codes'!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Babs and Cher as they tie their shoelaces. They are sitting on a log in the snowy background, and are dressed alike)

Buster (heard offscreen): "Places for the Cher and Cher Alike sketch!"

(Cher and Babs push their hair back. The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as they stand up. Buster walks in)

Buster: "Wow, you look great!"

Babs: "Thanks, I…"

Buster (as he pushes Babs out of the way): "I mean it, that costume's perfect."

Cher: "Aw, this old thing? I only wear it when I don't care how I look."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Babs)

Babs (in an annoyed tone): "Thank you, Mr. Sensitive."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view)

Buster (as he pushes Babs): "On the ice, Babsy."

(The camera focuses on Babs as she slips across the ice. It then cuts to a view of Buster whispering to Cher and her watching from a distance, followed by a view of Babs as Monty rolls in next to her)

Monty: "Look at Buster flirt with her. How can you stand it?"

Babs: "Oh, he's not. I don't care."

Monty: "Ha!" Admit it, Babs. You're jealous!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Babs)

Babs: "I am not!" (to the viewers) "But can you blame me if I am?"

(The screen transitions to a view of Babs and Cher skating together, wight he camera focusing on them)

Cher (singing): "They say we share and share alike, that means I borrow whatever Babs will lend."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Babs)

Babs (singing): "I share with you, you share with me, but that doesn't mean I loan you my boyfriend!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Babs spins and tosses Cher aside. It then moves over to the left side of the screen, where Cher is, then cuts back to Babs, who skates by herself. Gogo appears onscreen, holding a sign with the number 10 on it)

Cher (singing offscreen): "Share, I share with you, Babs."

(The camera cuts to a view under the stage, where Monty is next to a tank of ACME piranhas)

Monty: "Acme piranhas."

(Monty laughs evilly. He then pulls out a handsaw and cuts a hole in the ice with it, directly above the tank of piranhas)

Babs (singing offscreen): "I share with you,"

(The camera cuts to a view of Babs as she carries Cher)

Babs (singing): "But Buster's not up for grabs!"

(Babs drops Cher. The camera cuts to an overhead view of them. Cher is trying to pick herself up as Babs continues skating)

Babs and Cher (singing): "Share, you share when I share,"

(The camera cuts to a side view of Babs and Cher)

Babs and Cher (singing): "Just cause' it's Christmas. You share when I share,"

(The camera moves to the right side of the screen as Cher jumps over the hole being cut in the ice. She screams and falls in, then Buster appears onscreen)

Buster: "Cut!"

(Both Buster and Babs walk up to the hole)

Babs: "Your new girlfriend fell through the ice."

(Cher comes out of the hole, with her dress damaged and her skates missing)

Cher: "Hey, I love this! Eat your heart out, Bob Mackie!"

(Buster walks away. The camera cuts to a view of the stage as Calamity carries the rink away, then zooms out as Buster walks across the stage)

Buster (in a depressed tone): "Anybody wanna move on?"

(Plucky appears onscreen, dressed like the Little Drummer Boy, and holding the pink pages in his right hand)

Plucky: "Ha! Let me guess; orange pages? Maybe chartreuse?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Buster and Plucky)

Buster (sighs, then in a depressed tone): "You're on, Little Drummer Duck."

Plucky: "I am?" (As stars appear in his eyes) "Oh, thank you, thank you!"

(Plucky kisses Buster's feet. The camera cuts to an underhead view of the stage as he looks at Fran)

Plucky: "Prepare yourselves for a dynamite performance, executives!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Monty, who is lighting sticks of dynamite that look like microphones)

Monty: "You'd better believe it, Duck!"

(Monty whistles as Calamity walks in, then takes the dynamite away. When is away, Monty gives an evil grin. The camera then cuts to a view of William Shatner onstage as Plucky walks in next to him. In between them are the dynamite sticks.)

William Shatner: "Come, they told the Duck, parum-pa-pum-pum, parum-pa-pum-pum-parum! Pa-pum-pum!"

(The dynamite explodes, leaving William and Plucky black and scorched. Plucky's beak lands on William's head, and William's toupee lands on Plucky. The camera cuts to a view of a depressed Buster)

Buster: "Cut!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Buster tosses the script aside. He is standing in front of a set of stairs)

Buster: "Oh, it's over. Cut!"

(Plucky, who is now dressed in his normal white tank-top, walks in angrily next to Buster)

Plucky: "I quit!"

(Gogo slides down the bannister, knocking a loose knob off, which bounces off Buster's head. Gogo is holding a can, and opens it, revealing the sound of the audience booing and jeering inside. Babs and Sneezer walk in)

Babs: "Doofus!"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view, revealing Shirley standing next to Babs)

Shirley: "Like, everybody quits!"

Buster: "Babs…"

(Gogo reaches offscreen, then pulls out a sign with a picture of a screw and a baseball on it)

Babs: "Oh, Buster, why don't you just… humph!"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Buster and Plucky. Cher reaches from offscreen and grabs him. The camera cuts to a view of her holding Buster and Bob Hope standing next to him)

Cher: "I gave up It's a Cosby Family Christmas to do this!"

Bob Hope: "Boy, I say, this is worse than that road picture I did with Dorothy and Bing, Road to Ruin!"

(Luke Perry and William Shatner appear onscreen. William is holding a remote control)

Luke Perry: "So, where are the babes?"

William Shatner: "Beam me up, Santa!"

Fran (heard offscreen): "Quiet!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Monty, Fran, and Edward, who are all surrounded by stacks of money)

Fran: "Montana Max is now in charge of the Tiny Toons Prime-time Holiday Spectacular!"

(The camera cuts back to the previous view as Cher puts Buster down and she, Luke, and William walk away)

Buster: "Sorry I failed you guys."

(Bob Hope walks away. The camera cuts to an overhead view of the stage as Buster walks sadly away, then to a view of the exit door as Buster's silhouette is about to open it. Babs' silhouette can be seen watching from a distance)

Babs: "Aw, come on, Buster."

(Buster walks out. The camera zooms out as Shirley's silhouette appears)

Shirley: "Like, I've never seen Blue Boy that down before."

(Sneezer's silhouette appears, as does Hamton's)

Babs: "What'll we do?"

(Gogo's silhouette appears above them)

Shirley: "Maybe we should meditate on this, or some junk."

Sneezer: "She means pray. Uh-huh, that's what she means."

(The camera cuts to a view of a sad Buster, focusing on him as he walks across Acme Acres and God and Harvey talk to each other)

God: "So, Harvey, this is where we came in. Any questions?"

Harvey (heard offscreen): "Uh, yeah. uh, uh, h-how come he's, he's not wearing any pants?"

God: "Harvey!"

(Buster walks past a sign that says, YOU ARE NOW LEAVING ACME ACRES. He then walks up to a sign that says, DANGER! ONE MORE STEP AND YOU ARE OUT OF THE PICTURE)

God: "Oh, no! It's worse than I thought!"

(The camera zooms out, revealing Buster to be on a film celluloid)

God: "Buster's about to throw himself out of the picture!"

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of Buster as he looks down at the emptiness below the celluloid)

Harvey (heard offscreen): "Uh-oh!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster's silhouette as it stands atop the celluloid)

Buster: "Goodbye, cruel series!"

(The screen irises out on Buster, ending Act One)

Act Two

(The second act begins where the first act left off; Buster is standing on the edge of a film celluloid. The camera zooms in on him, then cuts to a close-up of him)

Buster (in a depressed tone): "I'm out of here."

God: "What are you waiting for, Harvey? Go!"

(Harvey falls from the sky, screaming. The camera cuts to an underhead view as he clings for his life to the celluloid)

Buster: "Forget your bungee cord, pal?"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view as Buster pulls Harvey safely up to the edge of the celluloid)

Harvey: "Phew! Thanks, Buster."

Buster: "No problem. Hey, how'd you know my name?"

Harvey: "I'm your guardian toon angel."

Buster: "Yeah, and I'm Frank Capra." (as he walks away) "See you round."

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of Buster as he is about to jump off the celluloid. Before he can, Harvey appears behind him and frightens him, causing him to lose his balance)

Harvey: "Thinking of throwing yourself out of the picture, eh?"

(Before Buster can fall off the edge of the celluloid, Harvey grabs him by the ears and pulls him away)

Buster: "Whoa!"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Buster and Harvey. Buster is sitting on the edge of the celluloid)

Buster: "So what if I am? Who cares? I wish I was never on Tiny Toons."

(Harvey turns to face Buster. The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of him as a lightning bolt flashes between his ears)

Harvey: "You got your wish. There's no Buster Bunny on Tiny Toons."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Buster jumps onto the celluloid)

Buster: "You're nuts." (As he pulls out his contract and holds it in his left hand) "Warners would never let me out of my contract."

(A lightning bolt appears. It strikes the contract, causing it to combust into a pile of ashes. The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Buster)

Buster: "What are you, Jacoby and Meyers? Get away from me!"

(Harvey appears on the right side of the screen)

Harvey: "I, I, I, I told you, uh, I'm your guardian toon angel,"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Harvey pulls out a background of Acme Acres)

Harvey: "And Buster Bunny, this is your cartoon, without you!"

(Buster looks at a sign that says, Welcome to… MONTYVILLE. NOW GO HOME!)

Buster: "Montyville?"

(The camera moves to the left side of the screen, past more signs, one of which says, NO DOING ANYTHING, and another that says, 24-HOUR MONTY'S VIDEO. It then cuts to views of some more signs, one of which says, MONTY'S HOUSE OF MONEY, with a picture of a dollar with Monty's face on it below, and another of which says, MONTY'S HOUSE OF MONTY, with Monty's heads taking the places of the Os in MONTY'S and MONTY. The camera then cuts to a view of a bank that says, MONTY'S SAVINGS AND LOAN as Buster runs up to it. As Harvey is talking, the camera moves to the left side of the screen, until it reaches him. He is sitting on a bench, reading a newspaper that says, ENCINO MANS WINS BEST PIC OSCAR)

Harvey: "Yeah, yeah. You, you see, without you around, Monty was put in charge of everything."

Buster (as he walks up to Harvey): "What is this, some kind of practical joke? You're Dick Clark, right?"

Harvey (as he sets the newspaper down): "No, no, and I'm not Ed McMayon, either."

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of Buster and Harvey, revealing them to be under a sign that says, MONT'S BIG SCREEN T.V.S)

Harvey: "And you're not the star of Tiny Toons."

Buster: "Prove it!"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Harvey)

Harvey: "Well, it's not pretty."

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Buster)

Buster: "It never is."

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster and Harvey as they look at a television set. Harvey is holding a remote in his right hand, which he uses to turn on the TV. On the screen is the Tiny Toon Adventures logo, which is colored in various shades of green instead of a rainbow of colors. The camera zooms in on the screen as the Tiny Toon Adventures theme song plays, and Plucky emerges from the logo)

Plucky (singing): "I'm tiny, I'm toony, I'm just a little looney, and every afternoony, I'm invading your TV!"

(The camera zooms out. It then cuts to a view of an unhappy-looking Babs standing outside Plucky's house)

Babs (singing unenthusiastically): "I'm Babsy."

(Plucky jumps in next to her)

Plucky (singing): "I'm Plucky!"

Babs (singing unenthusiastically): "I work with him, I'm lucky."

(An anvil falls on Babs. The camera then cuts to a view of Plucky dressed in a tuxedo and holding an Emmy award)

Plucky (singing): "For Tiny Toons, I won the Best Performance By A Duck Emmy!"

(The camera cuts to a view of a doorway as Plucky appears in it)

Plucky (singing): "Well, I'm Plucky Duck, and I'm a zany mega star."

(Plucky closes the door, revealing it has the words, PLUCKY DUCK ZANY MEGA STAR on it. The camera then cuts to a view inside Plucky's dressing room, where Plucky is sitting in a chair, and the other Tiny Toons are waiting on him hand-and-foot. Elmyra is filing his nails, Gogo is shining his feet, Shirley is bringing him grapes, and Calamity is bringing him a spare tank-top)

Plucky (singing): "There's lots of other Tiny Toons, but who cares who they are?"

(The camera cuts to a view outside Plucky's house, where Babs, Calamity, Little Beeper, and Shirley are singing unenthusiastically while carrying Plucky on a palanquin)

Babs, Calamity, Beeper, and Shirley (singing unenthusiastically): "He's Plucky the Mallard, he's funnier than Kaye Ballard. It's Tiny Toon Adventures, come and join the fun."

(Three anvils fall on Babs. The camera cuts to a view of the green Tiny Toon Adventures logo as Plucky emerges from it, looking at himself in a mirror)

Plucky (singing): "And now, my song is done. Yeah!"

(The screen fades to black, then to the next scene, which takes place outside Plucky's house in winter. Plucky's house is decorated in Christmas lights. Plucky is dressed in a Santa hat and Babs is dressed like a reindeer, complete with heavy antlers, which she is struggling to keep up)

Plucky: "Hiya, holiday Ducksters! I'm Plucky Duck!"

Babs: "And I'm Babs Bunny."

Plucky: "No relation."

Babs: "Whoa, oof!"

(Babs falls over. The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of her)

Babs: "How could we be related? He's a duck, I'm a rabbit. I don't get it!"

(The camera cuts to an upwards view as Plucky stops next to her)

Plucky: "Then get this!"

(An anvil falls on Babs)

Babs: "Oof!

Plucky (laughing): "Now, that's funny!" (as he moves in front of Babs) "Today's theme is once again, ducks!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Babs, who wearily crawls away)

Babs: "I hate my life."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Plucky claps)

Plucky: "Let's say bye-bye to my co-host, cause' in today's show, I'll be playing all the parts."

Buster (heard offscreen) Stop!"

(Buster runs in and grabs Plucky by his tank-top, knocking his Santa hat off. He then lets go)

Buster: "You can't drop an anvil on Babs! What are you, Goofy?"

Plucky: "No, I'm Plucky Duck, and I resent that comparison. Say, what are you, a spy from Disney?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Plucky's backside as Buster grabs him again, with puppy-dog eyes)

Buster: "Pluck! Don't you know me, Pluck?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Plucky pushes Buster back)

Plucky: "No, and I refuse to fraternize with riffraff fanboys. Remove this rabbit!"

(Plucky whistles. Arnold and Sneezer (the latter of whom is named 'Sleazer') walk in, dressed like security guards. Arnold grabs Buster by the ears and takes him away. Plucky then reaches offscreen and puts his Santa hat back on)

Plucky: "Nice try, Katzenberg."

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of Arnold and Sleazer, focusing on them as they take Buster away)

Arnold: "Come along, wimpy bunny boy."

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster and Sleazer as Arnold lets go and walks away)

Buster: "Sneezer, you've got to know me!"

Sleazer: "Name's Sleazer! Hit the road!"

(Sleazer kicks Buster. The camera cuts to a view outside Acme Looniversity, where Harvey is sitting on the stairs. Buster lands next to him, with stars spinning around his head)

Buster: "I feel like I'm in a bad episode of Quantum Leap."

Harvey: "Yeah, well, join the club."

(The camera cuts to a side view of Buster and Harvey)

Buster: "Acme Loo! My alma mater! Somebody will remember me in there for sure!"

(Buster walks away as the camera zooms in on Harvey)

Harvey (to the viewers): "Is it me, or shouldn't he have caught on by now?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view of Acme Looniversity. While the statues of Bugs and Daffy are still there, there is a big, red dollar sign under the clock of the bell tower, and below it are the words, MONTANA MAX'S BUSINESS LOONIVERSITY)

Buster: "Hey, wait a minute!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view as Buster looks up at the sign)

Buster: "Montana Max's Business Looniversity?"

(Buster walks in. The camera cuts to a view of the hallways as Buster stops next to some lockers. There are many TV screens inside the hallways)

Announcer: "And now, a word from Montana Max."

(The camera moves upwards to the TV screens, which all have a sharply-dressed Monty on them)

Monty: "Good afternoon, anonymous students of Monty Loo."

(The camera cuts to a view of one TV screen with Monty on it)

Monty: "As you know, it is Christmas Eve, and in respect of that, I'm offering you a shorter day." (As he pulls out a pair of goggles and a pair of skis) "Only eighteen hours of classes." (as he puts the goggles on) "As for me, I'm heading to Aspen with Morgan Fairchild."

(The camera cuts back to the previous view)

Monty: "Later, losers! Ah!"

(The TVs turn off. The camera moves down to Buster, who rubs his eyes in disbelief. He looks around, then runs away. The camera cuts to a view of Harvey, who is eating a carrot, as Buster runs up to him)

Buster: "Ah, thank goodness, my home room! This is where I learn wild comedy takes."

Harvey: "It's not funny in there anymore."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Buster as he opens the door to try to prove Harvey wrong. he stares in shock, then the camera cuts to a view inside. While Elmyra, Fifi, and Little Beeper are sitting at their desks, which have TV screens on them, Shirley is standing next to hers)

Shirley: "How can I become a successful actress?"

(The camera moves to the right side of the screen, revealing Madonna to be the teacher)

Maddona: "Just wear your underwear on the outside and Warners will give you a multi-million dollar deal."

(Madonna laughs. The camera cuts to a view of Buster, who shuts the door with a shocked expression on his face)

Buster: "Ewww."

Harvey (heard offscreen): "Disturbing, isn't it?"

(The camera zooms out, revealing Harvey to be standing next to Buster)

Buster: "I don't get it."

Harvey: "Oh, brother." (as he grabs Buster's right ear) "Let, let me spell it out nice and plain; YOU WERE NEVER ON TINY TOONS! YOU NEVER EXISTED, AND EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT NOW!" (as he lets go and Buster holds his head) "Get it?"

Buster: "Got it."

Harvey: "Good."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Buster)

Buster: "If I never existed, what about…"

Harvey (heard offscreen): "Babs?"

Buster: "Yeah. I mean, she still has Tiny Toons, but does she have, I mean, does she go with, uh..."

Harvey: "You want to know if she replaced you?"

Buster: "Kinda."

(The camera cuts to a view of Harvey, who is pointing to his right side)

Harvey: "Well, find out for yourself. She's down there."

(The camera moves to the left side of the screen, until it reaches a door that says, FILM LIBRARY. It then cuts to a view inside as Buster opens the door. He looks inside, then goes down the stairs. The camera then cuts to a view of some doors, the middle of which is under a sign that says, VIEWING ROOMS, and zooms in on them as Buster walks in. It then cuts to a view of Buster as he approaches Door #2. He opens it and looks inside, then the camera cuts to a view of Babs watching Looney Tunes cartoons, one of which involves Porky and Petunia sitting on a park bench)

Porky: "Uh, M-m-m-m-merry Christmas, Petunia. I've a g-g-g, a present for you."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of the cartoon. Porky stands atop the park bench, using a lasso to catch The Moon, which has a face on it)

Porky: "The M-m-m-moon."

(The Moon stares in shock. The camera cuts to a view of Babs, who is dressed like Mary Bailey. She is depressed, and doesn't find the cartoon funny)

Babs: "Sigh."

(The camera cuts to a view of another cartoon. Pepé Le Pew is holding a bottle of perfume that says, Zuzu's Petals. The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view of him, revealing he is at a New Year's Eve party, complete with balloons and a HAPPY NEW YEAR banner in the background. He applies the perfume, then tosses the bottle aside. The camera cuts to a view of a frightened Penelope as he walks up to her)

Pepé: "Ah," (as he grabs Penelope's tail when she tries to run away) "My little poupon, we will ring in ze new year together, no?"

(Pepé tries to kiss Penelope, but she pulls out a pair of cymbals and claps them against his head. She runs away, and Pepe turns his head, revealing it is now very flat. The camera cuts back to Babs, who is still depressed, and doesn't find this cartoon funny, either)

Babs: "Double sigh."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view as the film stops spinnning and the lights turn on)

Babs: "Wish I had a co-star who cared about me."

(As Babs walks out of her seat, Buster approaches her. Babs stops and looks at Buster)

Babs: "Hello."

Buster: "Hi. I'm, uh, Buster Bunny."

Babs: "Hi, I'm Babs Bunny."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Buster)

Buster: "No relation?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Babs)

Babs: "Hey, that's the first time that ever made sense!"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Buster's face as he gets a lovestruck look in it. It then cuts to a close-up of Babs' face)

Babs: "Do I know you from somewhere?"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Buster and Babs)

Buster: "Yes! We're the stars of Tiny Toon Adventures."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view)

Babs: "You're crazy. Plucky is the star! Who are you? You're stalking me!" (As she walks away) "Get away, leave me alone!"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view as Babs leaves the viewing room. Harvey is sitting in one of the seats, eating popcorn)

Harvey: "Had enough?" (As the camera zooms in on him) "You, you see, Buster, you really have had a wonderful cartoon show."

(The camera cuts to a view of Harvey by himself as Buster runs up to him)

Buster: "I take it back! I want to be on Tiny Toons! Please let me back!"

Harvey: "Yeah, well, I'll see what I can do." (as he looks at his watch) "We gotta wait a couple of minutes, though."

Buster: "Why?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Harvey)

Harvey: "Commercials."

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster)

Buster: "Oh."

(The screen irises out on Buster, ending Act Two)

Act Three

(The third act begins with a view of Buster standing next to Harvey in viewing room #2)

Buster: "I want to go back!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Harvey as Buster runs up to him and grabs him)

Buster: "I want to be on Tiny Toons!"

(Lightning bolts emit from Harvey's ears, and Harvey disappears. Buster looks at the empty space where Harvey was and falls down. When he lands, various garbage briefly flies into the air, including popcorn, paper clips, a candy wrapper, two dots, and a box that says, DOTS. The camera cuts to a view of Buster as he emerges from the seats)

Buster: "You can't just leave! Take me back!"

Babs (heard offscreen): "Buster!"

(The camera zooms out, revealing Babs, who is now dressed in her normal attire, standing next to Buster, indicating he is back in the proper timeline)

Buster: "Babs! Do you know who I am?"

Babs: "Buster, this is no time for some tired American Express Card parody!"

(The camera zooms out as Buster joyously jumps out of the film celluloid)

Buster: "Yippie!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view as Buster gives Babs a bone-crushing hug, then runs away)

Babs: "Somebody call my chiropractor."

(The camera cuts to a view of the YOU ARE NOW IN ACME ACRES sign as Buster runs up to it and kisses it)

Buster: "Merry Christmas, you great, big, beautiful Acme Acres, you!"

(Buster hops away. Babs runs up to the sign, panting heavily. The camera cuts to a view of her backside, then moves to the right side of the screen)

Babs: "Buster!"

Buster (as he jumps for joy): "Yippie!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Babs)

Babs (to the viewers): "You gotta admire his spirit."

(Babs walks away. The camera cuts to a view of Buster's burrow as he hops towards it, kisses it, then hugs it. It then cuts to an underhead view inside the burrow)

Buster: "Happy holidays, you radiant rabbit hole, you!"

(The camera cuts back to the previous view as Buster pulls himself out, then reaches offscreen and pulls out Steven Spielberg, whom he promptly kisses, then stretches his cheeks)

Buster: "Happy Haunnukah, you magnificent mogul, you!"

(Steven walks away. Buster then kisses the camera lens)

Buster: "Season's greetings, you awesome audience!"

(Buster hops away. The camera cuts to a view of the planet as Buster emerges from behind it and hugs and kisses it)

Buster: "Feliz Navidad, you pretty planet, you!"

(Buster ducks back down. The camera cuts to a view of Babs standing outside Acme Looniversity. Buster walks past her, then the camera cuts to an opposing view of him)

Buster: "Noël to you…"

(Before Buster can finish, Babs runs up to him and clamps her right hand over his mouth)

Babs (in a mocking tone): "You lucious looniversity, you." (In her normal tone) "Okay, we got it." (As she grabs Buster and drags him along) "Let's go, laughing boy."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view as Babs drags Buster up the stairs)

Babs: "Monty's special really…"

(The camera cuts to a view of Plucky, who is dressed in a business suit)

Plucky: "Stinks!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view of the stage, revealing Plucky to be holding the script in his left hand)

Plucky: "It stinks! This stinks!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view)

Plucky: "Away to the bank I drove in a dash, I opened a C.D. and deposited cash. You call that funny?"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Monty, who is sitting next to Fran and Edward)

Monty (laughing nervously): "I like it, don't you?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Fran and Edward)

Fran: "He is so lost."

Edward: "Yes, he is."

(The camera cuts back to Plucky as he tosses the script on the floor)

Plucky: "I quit!"

(Elmyra walks in, dressed like Leona Helmsley)

Elmyra: "I don't want to play Leona Helmsley!"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view as Buster and Babs open the doors. It zooms in on them, then cuts to a view of them together)

Babs: "I found him!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Plucky and Elmyra. Elmyra jumps for joy and cheers as the camera zooms in on Plucky. He stares in shock as the show's cast run over him. The camera then cuts to a view of Monty, Fran, and Edward)

Monty: "Does that mean I have to put him in my show?"

Fran: "No." (As she takes the script from him) "You're fired!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view and zooms out further)

Fran: "Buster, you're re-hired."

(The camera cuts to a view of Buster and Babs together. Everyone (save for Monty) cheers, then the camera cuts to an opposing view of the show's cast as they cheer)

Sneezer: "Our prayers are answered!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Gogo as he pulls out a can labelled, CANNED APPLAUSE. He opens it, and the sound of the audience applauding can be heard. The camera then cuts to a view of Monty as Buster walks up to him)

Buster: "Don't worry, Monty. There's a part for you." (As the camera zooms in on them) "You're the star!"

(Buster runs away, leaving Monty staring in awe)

Monty: "Gee, the star."

(Monty falls out of his wheelchair. The camera cuts to a view of the stage as Buster and Babs run up to it)

Buster: "Okay, guys. Let's set up for the finale."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view as Cher presses her hand lovingly around Buster's face)

Cher: "You got it, babe!"

(Buster stares at Cher, then turns around when Babs approaches him)

Babs: "That reminds me; I'm still mad at you."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view)

Babs: "What were you whispering to her about, anyway?"

Buster: "Well…"

(The camera zooms out as Cher approaches Babs)

Cher: "He wanted to know what to get you for Christmas."

(The camera cuts back to the previous view)

Babs: "Oh." (Laughs nervously) "So, uh, what'd she suggest, a tattoo?"

(The camera cuts to a side view as Buster grabs Babs)

Buster: "No, this."

(Buster kisses Babs, who lifts up her feet and spreads her toes apart, then he walks away)

Babs: "Oh."

(Babs melts into a puddle, leaving her shirt, skirt, ear ribbons, and eyes the only solid parts. The camera cuts to a view of Fran and Edward as Fran looks over her stack of money)

Fran: "Uh, speaking of gifts, what'd you give me?"

(The camera cuts to a frontal view of Fran and Edward)

Edward: "The greatest gift of all, my dear." (As he snatches her stack of money and puts it in a box) "The gift of charity."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view, revealing Whoopi Goldberg holding the box, standing next to Billy Crystal)

Whoopi: "I'm just here for comic relief."

(Robin Williams, dressed like Peter Pan, swings by them. The camera cuts to a view of the sky as it is snowing, then moves downwards, revealing Buster and Babs standing next to a horse-drawn sleigh. It then cuts to a zoomed-in view of the sleigh as Babs climbs aboard)

Babs (singing): "If troubles come our way to spoil the holiday,"

(The camera cuts to a further zoomed-in view as Buster jumps aboard)

Babs (singing): "It doesn't really matter, cause there's you."

(The camera cuts to a view of Plucky as he looks through a box held by William Shatner. It focuses on him as he walks to the other side of the tree, holding an ornament in his right hand)

Plucky (singing): "If you deck the halls," (as an anvil falls on him) "An anvil falls."

(The camera cuts back to the sleigh as Plucky joins Buster and Babs)

Babs and Plucky (singing): "It doesn't really matter, cause' there's you!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra, Shirley, Calamity, and Gogo sitting at a table, about to have a holiday dinner. It moves to the left side of the screen as Byron swallows the entire turkey whole)

Elmyra (singing): "If the holiday feast gets eaten by the dog,"

(The camera cuts to a view of a rather stuffed Byron as Elmyra looks over him. It then cuts to a view of Shirley, Calamity, and Gogo, as they toast their glasses and zooms in on the glasses as the yolks run out)

Shirley (singing)': "And you raise a toast to yuletide, but the egg won't nog,"

(The camera cuts to a view of Shirley's backside as she watches the yolks bounce away. It then cuts to a view of Arnold dancing with Cher on a disco floor)

Arnold (singing): "If it's New Year's eve, and you're too Muscle-bound to dance,"

(The camera cuts to a view of Sneezer and Bob Hope, both dressed in pajamas, in front of the tree. Sneezer is holding a pair of socks and Bob opens a present and pulls out a pair of red boxer shorts)

Sneezer (singing): "And all you got for Christmas is socks and underpants,"

Bob: "Boy, I tell you,"

Sneezer (singing as he walks up to Bob and hugs him): "It sort of doesn't matter, cause there's you!"

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of Buster and Babs looking over a skinny Christmas Tree and zooms in on them. It then cuts to a view of their backsides.

Buster (singing): "If your Christmas tree's pathetic,"

(The tree disintegrates. Buster and Babs turn around. They now have sad expressions on their face and resemble Charlie Brown and Lucy Van Pelt, respectively, from Peanuts. Also, it appears that they have switched tails. The Peanuts theme song briefly plays as well. The camera then cuts to a view of Hamton in his house, eating a bowl full of candy. It cuts to a zoomed-in view of him as he spits it out with a horrified expression on his face)

Buster and Babs (singing offscreen): "And the candy's dietetic,"

(The camera cuts back to the sleigh. Joining Buster, Babs, and Plucky are Hamton, Dizzy, Furrball, Fifi, Shirley, Sweetie, Sneezer, and Byron, who all sing along)

Buster, Babs, Plucky, Hamton, Dizzy, Furrball, Fifi, Shirley, Sweetie, Sneezer, and Byron (singing): "It doesn't really matter, cause' there's you!"

Monty (heard offscreen): "Hey, get me down from here!"

(The camera cuts to a view of the bottom of the Christmas tree and moves upwards, revealing Monty to be the star on top)

Monty: "Ugh! I don't want to be the star!"

(Elmyra climbs up the rope next to him and holds some mistletoe in her right hand, over Monty)

Elmyra: "Kiss me, baby!"

(Monty flinches as Elmyra tries to kiss him. The camera cuts back to the sleigh as Babs is holding the reins)

Babs: "And if you ever feel like a loser again, Buster Bunny, remember;"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view, focusing on the horse as it flies into the air and pulls the sleigh along)

Buster, Babs, Plucky, Hamton, Dizzy, Furrball, Fifi, Shirley, Sweetie, Sneezer, and Byron (singing): "No toon is a failure who has friends!"

(The horse flies past the moon. The camera cuts to a view of Harvey, who is standing next to the exit doors, then to a zoomed-in view of him)

Harvey: "Not bad,"

(Harvey pulls off his head, revealing it to be a mask and for Bugs Bunny to be in a costume)

Bugs: "For amateurs."

(Bugs removes the Harvey costume and kicks it aside while holding a carrot in his left hand. He chomps the carrot, opens the door with his right hand, and walks out. The camera cuts to a view of his backside as he walks away. The screen irises out on him, and the credits roll, featuring Gogo's exclusive end tag, "Season's greetings!")

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