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Grandma's Dead/Transcript

Act One

(The episode begins with the title card, which shows the episode's title on a welcome mat. The screen fades to black, then to a view of the Duff Family's living room, where Byron Basset is asleep on the rug. The camera cuts to a side view of him as he wakes up, stretches, turns around, paces the rug, then goes back to sleep. The camera moves over to the right side of the screen, until it reaches Furrball, who is playing with his toy mouse and meowing happily. The camera cuts to a view of him, as the mouse says "Acme Catnip" on it. It then cuts to a zoomed-out view as Furrball tosses the toy mouse into the air, focusing on it until it lands in front of Byron Basset. The camera cuts back to a nervous Furrball, who apparently has scratched the couch in fear, and focuses on his as he walks towards Byron. It then cuts to a view of Byron as Furrball tries to grab his toy mouse, but Byron grabs it first. Furrball screeches and awakens Byron, then runs away as Byron chases him. The camera cuts to various views of Furrball being chased by Byron, first up the stairs, then when Furrball reaches the top, he slides down the stair rail. When Byron reaches the top, he slides down the stair rail. Furrball reaches the kitchen, where the Duff Family is having breakfast. He screeches when he hears Byron barking, then jumps on top of the table and jumps onto the curtains. The camera cuts to a view of Byron as he enters kitchen, focusing on him until he reaches Furrball. It then cuts to a view of a scared Furrball clinging onto the curtains and meowing nervously, then back to Byron, who is at the bottom. He decides to wait at the bottom for Furrball to come down, then goes back to sleep. The camera cuts back to Furrball, still clinging onto the curtains, who meows nervously, then to a view of Emily Duff, who is at the right side of the table writing something down in a book. The camera moves from the right side of the screen to the left, as Baby is sitting his high chair, tossing his cereal about and babbling, Amanda is dipping her food, and MacArthur is working on a new experiment. He is wearing goggles, and is looking at a machine with pipes. The camera cuts to a view of Emily from a distance and Furrball still clinging to the curtains)

Emily: "Mac, Duncan is sick today, so he's staying home from school. Are you comfortable with that?"

Mac (As he turns the lens on his goggles): "Uh-huh."

Emily: "He just has a cold, but if it becomes an issue for you, call me at the radio station and we'll discuss it on the air. That's good! We're taking a negative and turning it into a positive!"

(Furrball meows nervously. The camera cuts to a view of Mac and Amanda together)

Amanda: "What is that thing, Dad?"

Mac (as he removes his goggles): "This little gadget desalinizes tears and recyles them into drinking water. We'll bottle it!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Mac, who chuckles, then picks up a blue thimble)

Mac: "You could call it my personal answer to avion."

(The camera cuts to a view of Amanda)

Amanda: "Tears? Puke!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view of the table. Mac gets up from his seat and begins pacing the floor)

Mac: "That's right, Amanda. Tears. Why, think of the millions of tears wasted every day, lost forever in hankies or soaked into pillow cases or sleeves. An untapped natural resource. But, I need a fluid specimen. Now, where could I get some tears?"

(The screen transitions to a view inside a hamster cage. Looking inside the cage is none other than Elmyra. Inside the cage are some hamsters. The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra's bedroom)

Elmyra: "Why aren't you eating, my precious little hamster-face heads?"

(The camera zooms in on Elmyra as she pulls some food out of a bag labelled, ACME HAMSTER FOOD. It then cuts to a view of the hamsters as the food rains down above them)

Elmyra: "Here, Bobby, here, Cindy, Greg, Marsha, Peter, and Jan. Jan? Hey, where's Jan?"

(The hamsters look nervously at the hamster wheel next to them. The camera cuts to a silhoutte of the now-deceased Jan's carcass laying on the wheel. It then cuts back to Elmyra as she gasps, then to a close-up of her)

Elmyra: "Jan Brady's a goner!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Elmyra yells, then to a zoomed-out opposing view as she yells again and faints. The screen transitions to a view of the kitchen table as Grandma enters)

Grandma: "I dropped in to say good-bye."

(Grandma removes her wig and places it on the chair. She then sits down in the chair)

Grandma: "Your Granny's gone to play contract bingo in Penewawa."

(Elmyra enters the room. The camera cuts to an opposing view. Elmyra is holding Jan's carcass in her right hand, and the family turns around and gasps. The camera cuts to a view of Grandma)

Grandma: "What's wrong? Did I forget my teeth?" (She removes her false teeth) "Nope, I got em'."

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra)

Elmyra: "Jan Brady's done for."

(The camera cuts to a view of Mac, who is wearing his goggles. Amanda is sitting next to him.)

Mac: "Jan Brady of The Brady Bunch. Of course, yes, Eve Plumb." (He removes his goggles) "Well, she might be out of the public eye, but to say she's 'done for' is a bit much."

Amanda: "It's her hamster, Dad."

(The camera cuts back to Elmyra, who begins crying. It zooms out as Mac holds a test tube under her to collect some tears)

Elmyra: "I just don't believe it!"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Elmyra as some of her tears fall into Mac's test tube)

Mac: "I'm sorry, Elmyra. Mind if I borrow a few tears?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Emily, who has a tupperware bin. Elmyra walks up to her and puts Jan's carcass inside. Emily puts the tupperware on the table and Grandma takes it. The camera then cuts to an opposing view of Elmyra and Emily together)

Emily: "Elmyra, there are several coping mechanisms to help you deal with the loss of your hamster."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view)

Emily: "Denial, anger, guilt, letting go, getting on, and getting off it."

(The camera cuts to a view of Grandma, who opens the tupperware)

Grandma: "I'm sorry, Elmyra, I really am."

(The camera cuts back to Elmyra and Emily)

Emily: "Are you comfortable with that?"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Elmyra)

Elmyra: "Comfortable with what?"

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Emily)

Emily: "Good. Thank you for sharing."

(Emily walks away. The camera cuts to a view of Grandma as Elmyra walks up to her. Grandma puts her wig back on and picks up her gym bag)

Grandma: "I'm off to Penewawa."

Elmyra: "Pene-what-what?"

(Elmyra cries. The camera cuts to a view of her and Amanda together. Emily picks Baby up out of his high chair and carries him in her arms. Amanda grabs Elmyra's hand, and they all walk away)

Amanda: "Come on, don't be sad, be the other way."

(The camera cuts to a view outside the Duff family house, where a taxi is waiting. Grandma walks into the taxi, then the camera cuts to an opposing view as the door closes. It then cuts to a view of Grandma inside the taxi)

Grandma: "You ever been to Penewawa with a mature woman?"

(The camera moves to the right side of the screen, where the Taxi Driver is. The Taxi Driver has a black mohawk and black sunglasses)

Taxi Driver: "Eh, you talkin' to me?"

(The camera cuts back to Grandma)

Grandma: "Oh, dear."

(The camera cuts to a view outside the taxi as it drives away. One of the boxes falls off the roof, then the camera cuts to a view of the box, which has landed in Mr. Bump's yard. The camera then moves up to Duncan's bedroom window and cuts to a view of Duncan inside his bedroom, who is pretending to be a superhero, and holding the thermometer in his left hand)

Duncan: "I will defeat the evil Lord Bacteria and his viral millions!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Duncan, who sneezes)

Duncan: "I will destroy your despicable army of aches, pains, and fever!"

(Duncan sneezes twice, and the camera zooms out on him. He grunts and struggles to put the thermometer back in his mouth. The camera then cuts to a zoomed-in view of him as he puts the thermometer in his mouth, then back to the previous view as he falls onto his bed. He sneezes the thermometer out and stars spin above his head)

Duncan: "Uh-oh."

(Duncan Burps, laughs, then sneezes. The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of him and zooms out as he reaches from behind his pillows and pulls out a TV remote. He uses the remote to turn on the TV)

Announcer: "Now back to our feature presentation, Nosy Neighbors."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Duncan's TV. On the screen, a black-and-white movie parodying the 1954 film, Rear Window is shown, featuring Jeffries, a Hitchcock caricature in a wheelchair with his right leg in a cast. He is talking on the phone)

Jeffries: "Yeah, I broke my leg skiing, so I think I'll just stay here and snoop on the neighbors."

(The camera cuts to Duncan as he gets out of bed and looks out his window)

Duncan: "Good idea!"

(The camera zooms in on Duncan and cuts to a view outside his window, moving from the right side of the screen to the left, passing Mr. Bump's house. Three kids skateboard by and there is a toddler on a leash in the yard across the street. The camera cuts back to Duncan as he turns around and looks at his TV, then to a view of his TV's screen. On the screen, Jeffries is looking out the window, and in the next scene of the movie, a muscular man can be seen in his apartment. The camera cuts back to Duncan as he turns back around to look out the window, then to a view outside as Mr. Bump walks up to his house. It then cuts to a view of Duncan looking out the window from outside, who turns around to look at the TV, then to a view of the TV screen. Jeffries is once again seen on the screen, and in the next scene of the movie, he looks across the apartment and sees a man playing the piano and a bigger man adjusting a clock. The camera cuts back to Duncan as he looks out the window, then to a view of Mr. Bump as the mailman walks up to him and hands him some letters. It then cuts back to Duncan as he rubs his eyes, then sneezes and prepares to faint)

Duncan: "The evil... Lord Bacteria... has me... in... his... power."

(The camera cuts to an overhead view of Duncan's bed as Duncan faints and collapses onto it. It then cuts to a view of Mr. Bump as he walks up to the box Grandma left behind. He picks up the box, and the camera focuses on him as he carries it into his house. The screen transitions to a view outside Harvey Korman Elementary School and the camera zooms in on the roof. It then cuts to a view inside Elmyra's classroom, where Elmyra is sitting at her desk. Mrs. Hinkle is trying to teach the students a math problem)

Mrs. Hinkle (heard offscreen): "If the train is going 60 miles per hour to Aruba from Zanesville, How many ham sandwiches did the woman eat? Elmyra?"

Elmyra (as she turns around): "Eat?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Elmyra)

Elmyra: "She won't eat. She can't! She's gone!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra's classroom as she yells and collapses. It then cuts to a view of Mrs. Hinkle)

Mrs. Hinkle: "That is incorrect."

(The screen transitions to a view outside Nurse Kleinerman's office and the camera zooms in on the door. The screen then transitions to a view of Nurse Kleinerman, sitting at her desk and talking on the phone to Cora, the Telephone Operator)

Nurse Kleinerman: "And you know what else is true? Carla swears she saw Elvis dancing with Keifer Sutherland in the middle of the viaduct."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view. Elmyra is laying on the bed and awakens)

Elmyra: "Where am I?"

Nurse Kleinerman: "Whoops. Sorry, Cora. Gotta go. My little patient's awake."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view as Nurse Kleinerman hangs up the phone and walks up to Elmyra, carring a tongue depressor in her left hand)

Nurse Kleinerman: "So, what's the problem?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra as Nurse Kleinerman walks up to her and puts the depressor over her tongue)

Nurse Kleinerman: "Is it your gallbladder?"

Elmyra: "Uh-uh."

Nurse Kleinerman: "Never is. What is it?"

(Elmyra closes her mouth after Nurse Kleinerman takes the depressor out of it. The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra by herself)

Elmyra (tearing up): "Well, this... morning... she... wouldn't... cause... she was... passed away in the whirl-o-wheel, and... my... my... my... Grandma... went bye-bye!"

(Elmyra cries. The camera cuts to a zoomed-out side view of Nurse Kleinerman and Elmyra together)

Nurse Kleinerman: "Oh, there's been a loss in your family!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view as Nurse Kelinerman pulls out a pad and some paper and writes an excuse note. When she finishes, she hands the note to Elmyra)

Nurse Kleinerman: "Here's a pass, Elmyra. You're excused for the rest of the day."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Elmyra as she sniffles and looks at the note)

Elmyra: "I am? Oh, thank you, Skinny Nurse Lady!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Elmyra jumps up and hug Nurse Kleinerman)

Nurse Kleinerman: "You're welcome."

(Elmyra walks away. The camera zooms in on Nurse Kleinerman as she picks up the phone)

Nurse Kleinerman: "Hi, Cora? Sad news. Elmyra's Grandmother has checked out."

(The screen irises out on Nurse Kleinerman, ending Act One)

Act Two

(The second act begins with a view outside Harvey Korman Elementary School. The camera zooms in on the front doors, then the screen transitions to a view of Elmyra walking down the hall, until she reaches Mrs. Hinkle's class. The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra about to open the door, then to a view inside Mrs. Hinkle's class as she opens it)

Elmyra: "I'm going home, there's been a loss in the family."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Elmyra, then to a view of the hall as she closes the door and walks back down it)

Elmyra: "Poor little Jan Brady-face."

(The camera cuts to a view of Nurse Kleinerman on the left side of the screen. She is sitting at her desk, talking to Cora on the phone)

Nurse Kleinerman: "Yep, she keeled over on the whirl-o-wheel."

(Cora suddenly appears on the right side of the screen)

Cora: "Isn't that for hamsters?"

Nurse Kleinerman: "Don't be silly, it's a carnival ride. They've got one up in Penewawa. Later."

(Nurse Kleinerman hangs up the phone. She picks it up as Cora plugs in a wire. They are suddenly on the upper-left and upper-right hand corners of the screen, respectively, and now Mr. Hiriam Heep is on the bottom-left corner of the screen, and the Heberly twins are on the bottom-right corner)

Nurse Kleinerman & Cora: "Get this; Elmyra's Grandmother kicked the bucket!"

Mr. Heep and The Heberly Twins: "No!"

(The screen transitions to a view of Mr. Bump in his house, talking on the phone)

Mr. Bump: "Elmyra Duff's Grandmother? That's too bad."

(The camera zooms out on Mr. Bump as he hangs up the phone, nods his head back and forth, and mumbles. It then cuts to a view of Duncan in his bedroom, looking through some binoculars. On his TV screen is Jeffries, also looking through some binoculars. The camera then cuts to a view of Mr. Bump from the binoculars. Mr. Bump opens the box Grandma left behind and pulls out a pink nightshirt that says, GRANDMA)

Duncan: "Grandma!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Duncan in his bedroom from the window. On his TV screen, is a man chopping chives)

Duncan: "That's my grandmother's stuff!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Duncan's TV, showing the Man chopping chives, then to a view of Duncan in his bedroom as he walks up to the phone and dials Grandma's number. He looks out the window, then the camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of him as Grandma's answering machine is heard)

Grandma (on the answering machine): "This answering machine will record your call after the beep. Where's that beep? Hello? Did it beep?"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Duncan and zooms in on him as he hangs up the phone. He then turns around)

Jeffries (Heard offscreen): "He's been chopping chives for days, must be a terrible cook. And his wife is missing. Hmmm."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Duncan jumps on the bed and gasps)

Duncan: "My Grandma's missing, too!"

(Duncan sneezes. The screen transitions to a view of Elmyra skipping home)

Elmyra (singing): "Letting go, getting on, and getting off, and letting on. Getting off and getting on and..."

(The camera cuts toa view of the Heberly Twins standing outside their house as Elmyra walks up to them)

Ms. Heberly #1: "Heidy-ho, Elmyra Duff!"

Elmyra: "Heidy-ho, Ms. Heberly and Ms. Heberly."

(The camera cuts to a view of the Heberly Twins together)

Ms. Heberly #2: "We are very sorry about the passing away of your loved one."

Ms. Heberly #1: "You must be very sad."

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra)

Elmyra: "Yeah, but she was old, and whenever we let her out of her cage, she wet on everything."

(The camera cuts back to the Heberly twins, who now have shocked expressions on their faces)

Ms. Heberly #1: "What?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra and the Heberly twins together)

Elmyra: "And one time, she crawled up my Dad's pants. Bye!"

(Elmyra skips away as the Heberly twins gasp and collapse. The camera cuts to a view of Mac in the kitchen, who now has tears in his eyes, then to a zoomed-out view as Duncan runs in)

Duncan: "Dad, where's Grandma?"

(The camera cuts to an opposing overhead view)

Mac: "She's gone."

(Mac cries. It is also revealed in this scene that the reason he is crying is to chop onions to collect tears. Duncan walks away, then the camera cuts to a view of Mac and zooms out on him as he puts the test tube under his eyes to collect the tears. He also turns on the radio, which plays sad music. He continues crying, then the camera cuts to a view of his desalinization machine as he walks up to it and pours the tears from the test tube into it. He turns the machine on, then the camera cuts to various views of the machine as the tears travel through it, until it reaches the blue thimble. Mac picks up the thimble and looks at it with satisfaction, then the camera cuts to a view of Elmyra in her bedroom, looking over her pet hamsters)

Elmyra: "I thought new outfits might cheer you up."

(The camera cuts to a view of the Hamsters, who are now dressed like the kids from The Brady Bunch. They walk around and fall over)

Elmyra: "Poor Brady-faces! What can I do to get your mind off Jan in the tupperware?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra as she removes her skull-donned bow and holds it up to it)

Elmyra: "I know! Mr. Skullhead will cheer you up!"

(The screen transitions to a view of a black box on a blue background. The Brady Bunch theme song instrumental plays)

Elmyra (singing, to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme song): "Here's a story, of a man named Skullhead,"

(The black box opens, revealing Mr. Skullhead inside)

Elmyra (singing, to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme song): "Who didn't have a bit of skin of his own,"

(Mr. Skullhead removes his hat, revealing he is bald underneath. The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view, revealing nine boxes reminiscent of the ones in the opening credits of The Brady Bunch. Mr. Skullhead's family is also dressed like the other members of The Brady Bunch)

Elmyra (singing, to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme song): "And his family, who were all so very skinless,"

(The other members of the Skullhead Bunch remove their hats, revealing they are all bald underneath)

Elmyra (singing, to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme song): "They were all, just bald bones."

(The camera cuts to a view of a poorly-drawn wig store, with the "E" on the sign reversed, as the Skullhead bunch, save for one, runs in. The door closes on her and she is left behind, but Mr. Skullhead opens the door, reaches out, and pulls her in)

Elmyra (singing, to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme song): "And then one day, when the family went to a wig shop, and they purchased wigs and one small toupée,"

(The camera zooms in on the wig store, then cuts to a view of the Skullhead Bunch, who are back in their boxes, wearing wigs)

Elmyra (singing, to the tune of The Brady Bunch theme song): "Now they have hair, on top of the Skullheads, And they lived happily that way."

(A pounding noise is heard and the screen rumbles, causing the Skullhead Bunch's heads to fall off their bodies. The bcreen transitions back to the view of Elmyra)

Elmyra: "There. Don't you feel better?"

(The camera cuts to a view of the Hamsters, who run away. It then zooms in on an ad in the newspaper for Hiriam Heep's Funeral Service and Mambo Dance Band)

Elmyra: "Hiriam Heep's Funeral Services and Mambo Dance Band. Complete funeral party services available."

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra in her bedroom)

Elmyra: "That's it! We'll have a funeral party and say good-bye to Jan in style! All right!"

(Elmyra jumps off her footstool and dances around. The screen transitions to a view of Duncan in his bedroom)

Duncan: "Bump bumped off Grandma!"

(The camera zooms out on Duncan as his TV turns on. He picks up his binoculars and looks out the window. The camera cuts to a view of Duncan's TV. On the screen, two Actresses are standing next to Jeffries)

TV Actress #1: "We could file a Missing Persons report."

(The camera cuts to a view of Duncan looking through his binoculars from outside his window, then to a view through the binoculars of Mr. Bump holding and sharpening a pair of knives. It then cuts back to Duncan's TV, which shows Jeffries and the two Actresses on the screen)

TV Actress #1: "But it might be too late. I think we ought to let your neighbor know we're on to him."

(The camera cuts back to the view of Mr. Bump sharpening his knives from Duncan's binoculars, then it cuts to a view of Duncan in his bedroom)

Duncan: "Beware, Mr. Bump." (As he jumps on his bed) "The brave and good Captain Quark is onto you."

(The camera cuts to a view of Duncan standing atop his bed. He looks over at his TV)

TV Actress #2 (heard offscreen): "Of course, we'll be exposing ourselves to great danger."

(Duncan gulps. The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra in the kitchen, talking on the phone. She is standing on the right side of the screen. In the background, Furrball is still clinging to the curtains, and Byron is still waiting for him below. Furrball meows)

Elmyra: "Hello, Mr. Heep?"

(Mr. Heep suddenly appears on the left side of the screen)

Elmyra: "I want a funeral this afternoon. Bring your mambo and we'll bury her in the backyard."

Mr. Heep: "H-well, the bachyard is a little unusual."

Elmyra: "Well, it's better than flushing her down the toilet. Bye-bye!"

(Elmyra hangs up the phone. Mr. Heep fills up the screen)

Mr. Heep: "H-what should I expect from a Duff?"

(The screen transitions to a view of Duncan's TV. On the screen, Jeffries is talking to the two Actresses)

Jeffries: "Well, eh... wha... wha... what... we... we've gotta do is find a way to get into that apartment and... uh... snoop!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view of Duncan watching TV)

Duncan: "Good thinking, Mister!"

(The camera zooms in on Duncan's TV and cuts to a view of it. On the screen is a view of Jeffries' Neighbor's apartment. The phone rings, and Jeffries' Neighbor walks up to it. He picks up the phone)

Jeffries' Neighbor: "Who are you?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Duncan's TV, which shows Jeffries talking on the phone on the screen)

Jeffries: "I'll give you a chance to find, out. Meet me at the bar in the Albert Hotel."

(The camera cuts to a view of an anxious Duncan dialing his phone)

Jeffries (Heard offscreen): "Do it right away."

(The dial tone of Duncan's phone can be heard. The camera cuts to a view of Mr. Bump from outside his apartment. He is on the phone)

Mr. Bump: "Who are you?"

Duncan (on the phone, imitating Jeffries): "Well, I'll give you a chance to find out. Meet me in the bar at the Albert Hotel."

(The camera cuts to a view of Duncan in his bedroom)

Duncan (imitating Jeffries): "Do it right away."

(Duncan hangs up his phone. The camera cuts to a view of Mr. Bump as he hangs up his phone, then walks outside. It then cuts to a view of Duncan in his bedroom as he jumps off his bed and pulls out an anchor tied to a rope. The camera focuses on him as he runs to his window and tosses the anchor out it, then cuts to a view outside as the anchor flies out the window, focusing on it until it latches on to the roof of Mr. Bump's house. The camera then cuts to a view of Duncan as he climbs up and stands in the middle of his window)

Duncan: "Distance holds no bounds for those true of heart."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Duncan, who now has a shocked expression on his face. In the background, Elmyra can be heard knocking on Mr. Bump's door)

Elmyra (heard offscreen): "Hello? Mr. Bump?"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view, as now Elmyra can be seen knocking on Mr. Bump's door)

Elmyra: "Mr. Bump? Hello?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Elmyra as she knocks on the door again)

Elmyra: "Mr. Bump?"

(Elmyra opens the door and walks inside)

Elmyra: "Oh, it's open."

(The camera cuts to a view of Duncan. In the background, Jeffries can be seen on his TV)

Duncan: "Elmyra? What are you doing? Don't go..."

Jeffries: "Tina, what are you doing? Don't go..."

(The camera cuts back to Mr. Bump's door, then moves over to the left side of the screen, as Elmyra has found the box Grandma left behind. She picks it up, then the camera cuts to a view of Mr. Bump as he returns to his house, focusing on him as he opens the door and goes inside. It then cuts to a view of Elmyra as he walks up to her. He pokes her on the shoulder, and she screams and tosses the box aside. The camera then cuts to a view of Duncan standing in the middle of his window, preparing to swing down)

Duncan: "I laugh in the face of gravity! Ha ha!"

(The camera focuses on Duncan as he jumps from his window. His plan to swing down doesn't go as he expected)

Duncan: "Huh?"

(Duncan falls to the ground. The screen irises out, ending Act Two)

Act Three

(The third act begins in Mr. Bump's kitchen, with a view of Elmyra looking at Mr. Bump)

Elmyra: "Oh, it's only you."

(Mr. Bump drops the box and Elmyra backs up)

Elmyra: "Oh, Mr. Bump, you scared me!"

(The camera cuts to a side view as Duncan swings in through the window. It focuses on him as he yells and lands in the sink, then cuts to a view of him in the sink as Elmyra walks up to him to scold him)

Elmyra: "Duncan, get back in bed, you still got your 'inflection'!"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view as Duncan climbs out of the sink and walks up to Mr. Bump)

Duncan: "I'm onto you, Bump!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Duncan and Elmyra together)

Elmyra: "I wanna invite you to the funeral."

(Duncan smacks his forehead. He then grabs Elmyra and drags her away. The camera cuts to a view of Mr. Bump's window as Duncan drags Elmyra out, then Mr. Bump walks up to it)

Mr. Bump: "Oh, what should I expect from a Duff?"

(Mr. Bump shakes his head. The screen transitions to a view outside the Duff house and the camera moves over to Mr. Heep, who is conducting his Mambo dance band. It then cuts to a zoomed-in view of them. The band is playing funeral music on their instruments, and Mr. Heep joins in by plating the trumpet. The camera cuts to a view inside the Duff house as the doorbell rings and Elmyra opens the door. Ms. Hinkle is at the door)

Elmyra: "It's my teacher!" (As she jumps onto the bannister and swings on it, then does a cartwheel) "My teacher is in my house!"

(Elmyra giggles. The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Elmyra and Ms. Hinkle together, then zooms in on Ms. Hinkle as she walks in)

Ms. Hinkle: "Oh, Elmyra, I'm so sorry!"

(As Ms. Hinkle cries, Mac walks up to her and holds a test tube under her eyes to collect her tears. He walks away, then the camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Ms. Hinkle hands Elmyra a casserole dish)

Ms. Hinkle: "Here." (Sniffles) "I brought you a three-bean casserole."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Elmyra)

Elmyra: "Oooh! Three beans!

(The camera cuts to an opposing view as the Heberly twins walk in, dressed in black. One of them is carrying in a casserole dish. They cry, then the camera cuts to a view of them together. As they are crying, Mac holds a test tube under their eyes to collect their tears.)

Mac: "What luck!"

(Mac walks away. The camera cuts to a view of them next to Elmyra as they hand her their casserole dish)

Ms. Heberly #1: "We brought creamed corn."

(The camera zooms out)

Elmyra: "Ooh! Creamed corn!"

Ms. Heberly #2 (as she and Ms. Heberly #1 walk away): "Remember when she'd gone dancing with us?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Elmyra)

Elmyra: "She did?"

(The camera zooms out as a thought bubble appears in the upper-right corner of the screen. Inside the thought bubble is Elmyra's hamster dancing with one of the Heberly twins. The thought balloon disappears as Nurse Kleinerman and Cora walk in. Nurse Kleinerman is carrying a dish with a jell-o mold)

Nurse Kleinerman: "We brought a jell-o mold."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view of Elmyra)

Elmyra: "Oooh! Mold!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Cora, who is tearing up and blowing her nose. As she and Nurse Kleinerman cry, Mac holds a test tube under her eyes to collect her tears. The camera cuts to a view of the three of them together)

Mac: "Don't mind me!"

(Mac walks away, then the screen transitions to a view outside the Duff house. The camera zooms out as Emily parks her car outside the garage and Amanda walks home, then it cuts to a view of Emily and Baby inside the car. Emily opens the door and picks Baby up, then closes the door)

Emily: "Elmyra? Honey, what's going on?"

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra, who is standing on the porch)

Elmyra: "It's a funeral party, Mom, and everybody came!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view of Emily as Amanda walks up to her)

Amanda: "The whole town shows up for a hamster?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Emily and Baby)

Emily: "Our little Elmyra is dealing with a loss in a creative and signifigant way."

(Emily walks away. The camera cuts to a view outside the garage as she and Amanda pass by it. Amanda briefly stops)

Amanda: "To think, I gave up Prison Camp for this!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Duncan in his bedroom, looking out the window, then to a view of Mr. Bump's front yard as more people pass by it. Mr. Bump walks out, carrying a box, then the camera cuts back to Duncan, who gasps and backs up. It then cuts to a view of an actress on the screen of Duncan's TV)

TV Actress #1: "Did he say what was hidden in the hat box?"

(The camera cuts back to Duncan)

TV Actor (Heard offscreen): "Mind your own business, you nosy neighbor!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Duncan's bedroom, focusing on Duncan as he walks across it)

Duncan: "I must... risk... infecting the others... with my cold germs."

(Duncan opens the door and walks out. The camera cuts to a view outside Duncan's bedroom, focusing on Duncan as he tiptoes down the hall until he reaches a skateboard)

Duncan: "They must be warned! Captain Quark moves silently down the hall."

(The camera cuts to a view of Duncan crawling down the hall)

Mr. Bump (heard offscreen): "Hello?"

(The camera cuts to an opposing view. Mr. Bump is at the bottom of the stairs, carrying a box in his hand. He waves to Duncan, then the camera cuts to a view of the stair rail as Duncan jumps onto it and slides down)

Duncan: "Captain Quark to the rescue!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Mr. Bump as Duncan slides into him)

Duncan: "Eee-yah!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Mr. Bump as he gets knocked down and focuses on the box as it flies into the air, losing its lid and revealing a beef pot pie inside. It then cuts to a view of Duncan as he covers his eyes)

Duncan: "Oh, I can't look!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Mr. Bump as he rises up)

Mr. Bump: "Where!"

(The beef pot pie lands on Mr. Bump. The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Duncan walks up to him)

Duncan: "A beef pot pie?"

(The camera cuts to a view of the Duff's backyard. Mr. Heep is talking to Emily)

Mr. Heep: "Mrs. Duff, before I begin the services, I shall need, the body."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in opposing view)

Emily: "I'll get it. I put her in tupperware this morning."

(Emily walks away. Mr. Heep looks at the camera with one eye open, then the camera cuts to Elmyra standing atop the balcony and zooms in on her)

Elmyra: "Ladies and gentlemen, and friends and old people, we are here to say good-bye to someone very special. You get sad cause' they're gone."

(The camera cuts to a view of Nurse Kleinerman, Cora, and a stout man with a mustache as they all cry, then to a view of Mac as he serves the guests water, then to a view of a black-haired man in a brown suit, and a mailman as they continue crying)

Elmyra (heard offscreen): "But you gotta let go, get on, and get off it!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Elmyra as she places the tupperware into the hole and zooms in on her after she waves good-bye)

Elmyra: "That's my 'effergy'."

(The camera cuts to a view of Mac and Nurse Kleinerman as they walk up, then to a close-up of Mac)

Mac: "A toast, to the dearly departed, and to Elmyra's 'effergy', eulogy."

(The camera cuts to a view of the guests as they raise their glasses, and moves from the left side of the screen to the right)

Mac: "I bottled this water myself. I call it 'Duff Water'. Hope you enjoy it."

(Emily and Amanda clink their glasses together. The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view of all the guests as they drink the water, then spit it out on the lawn. It then cuts to a view of Mac as he himself drinks the water and spits it out, then to a view of Mr. Heep as he does the same. Grandma walks up to him, carrying her gym bag)

Grandma: "What's going on around here?"

(the camera zooms in, then stops)

Mr. Heep: "Elmyra Duff's Grandmother is 'Decease-ed'."

(Mr. Heep drops his glass, which breaks, then looks at Grandma in shock)

Mr. Heep: "Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi! A ghost!"

Grandma (as she looks around as Mr. Heep flinches): "What? Where?"

(Grandma walks past Mr. Heep. The camera cuts to a view of the other guests, who gasp as Grandma walks past them. It focuses on Grandma until she reaches Mac, Emily, Amanda, and Elmyra, then cuts to an opposing view of them looking at her)

Grandma: "It's a nice turn-out for my funeral. I didn't know I was a goner, but it's nice to know I got a lot of friends. Thank you."

(The camera cuts to a view of Grandma as Elmyra walks up to her and zooms out when she reaches her)

Elmyra: "You're not a goner, Grandma, Jan Brady is!"

Grandma: "Who's Jan Brady?"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Elmyra)

Elmyra: "My hamster."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Grandma pulls a hamster out of her gym bag and hands it to Elmyra)

Grandma: "I won it at contact bingo!"

Elmyra: "Look at you!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Elmyra as she admires her new hamster and gives it a big hug. The Hamster struggles and squeaks. The screen transitions to a view outside the Duff house and the camera zooms in on Duncan's window, then cuts to a view of Emily tucking Duncan in)

TV Announcer (heard offscreen): "And now, our feature presentation, Dean Flatman starring in 'The Eavesdropper'."

(The camera cuts to a view of Duncan's TV. On the screen is a TV Actor at a radio station, operating a machine, then a couple at a church. Then, the screen shows both of them together, with the couple on the bottom-left corner, and the man on the upper-right corner)

TV Actress #2: "I don't want anyone to find out."

(The screen suddenly goes black. The camera cuts back to Emily, revealing she turned Duncan's TV off with a remote)

Emily: "You shouldn't watch that movie, it'll put ideas in your head."

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of Duncan, who looks at it and winks. The screen transitions to a view of some garbage on the Duff's lawn, and the camera moves from the left side of the screen to the right, until it reaches Mac and Amanda)

Mac: "Amanda, my recycled tears were a proverbial flop, as they say."

Amanda (as she taps Mac's shoulder): "Sorry, Dad."

Mac (as he tosses his glass and catches it repeatedly): "But the spitting of the fluid onto the lawn has produced a residual effect, if you will."

(The camera cuts to a close-up of Amanda and moves down until it reaches Mac's shoes. Several Slugs crawl out, spitting. The camera cuts to a view of the Slugs as they continue spitting and crawl away, then to a close-up of Mac)

Mac: "I have invented a powerful slug repellant!"

(The camera cuts to a view of Amanda)

Amanda: "Way to go, Dad."

(The camera cuts to a view of Mac and Amanda together as Mac clutches Amanda. Together, they watch the Slugs crawl away. The camera zooms out on them as the Slugs crawl away, then cuts to a view of Grandma eating her dinner as the Slugs crawl past her. She looks down at the slugs in disgust, then the camera cuts to a zoomed-in view of her)

Grandma: "Mac! There's a bunch of slugs out here!"

(The camera cuts to a zoomed-out view as Mr. Bump walks up to Grandma, carrying the box with her nightshirt. It then cuts to an opposing view of him looking at her)

Mr. Bump: "Heh. Glad you're still alive. Found this hat box in my yard."

(The camera cuts to an opposing view)

Grandma: "Oh, thank you, Mr. Bump. Did you look inside? There's a nightie in there!"

(Grandma laughs. The camera cuts to a view of Mr. Bump as he gasps, focusing on him as he runs away. It then cuts to Elmyra in her room, hugging her new Hamster and zooming in on her. She opens the cage and puts the new hamster inside. The camera then cuts to a view of her looking at her hamsters)

Elmyra: "Bobby, Cindy, Greg, Marsha, Peter, please give a warm Brady Bunch welcome to the new Jan Brady! She's a mid-season replacement."

(The rest of the Hamsters crawl up to and look at the new hamster. The screen transitions to a view of the kitchen curtains as Furrball is still clinging to them and Byron is sleeping below them. The camera cuts to a view of Furrball, who meows, knowing he won't be able to get down. The screen fades to black, and the credits roll)

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